When we lust we are moving in the opposite direction of God. We take a woman and reduce her to an image or an object. We depersonalize her for our consumption. A loving behavior is to expand her by seeing her as God’s child, a wife, mother, and friend. Love expands who she is. Lust reduces her.
I want you to picture a clock. Practice picturing a clock in your mind and then averting your eyes to the exact opposite position on the clock. For example, picture the number 12, then avert your eyes clockwise to 6.
We all need emotional connectedness- and I do mean NEED. Weary is the soul that has no one wit who, to share. We all need someone who will hear us. Being able to share yourself and to be heard are basic, legitimate God-given needs. Your need for emotional connectedness is no less legitimate than your need for food and water. When you genuinely accept this as truth, you will be able to take responsibility to make sure that your own needs and your spouse’s needs are met on a regular basis.
Lust tells you every woman is potentially yours and because of that you are allowed to inspect and assess every woman you want. Lust makes you believe women in general are yours to do with as you please.
Often times after sex an Intimacy Anorexics will begin to sabotage the intimacy the spouse was feeling. Spouses often state that the anorexic “gets cold,” “leaves me physically or emotionally,” “gets angry,” “gets very distant,” “critical” or “picks a fight the next day.”
The phrase "A Power Greater" was the only change of wording in the Twelve Steps from its original writing. The first writing of the Twelve Steps, which began in an Oxford Bible Study and which birthed AA, read "God" instead of "A Power Greater." The change was made because of the stigma that alcoholics had in the 1930's. To be an alcoholic was very shaming at this time in history. For the alcoholic to go to "God" with his shame was very difficult so the writers of the Twelve Steps made the phrase "A Power Greater" instead to give the alcoholic a little time to develop a God concept. The support groups allow God to patiently reveal Himself to them. Christians can begin to use Christ in their recovery. Bringing Christ into your recovery is also a process, but is necessary for you to effectively walk through your recovery journey.
I want to encourage you to leave a legacy of love with the soul of your wife. The legacy of love you set up towards your wife, your children will remember. Make every effort to have a marriage that glorifies God so that your children will one day have marriages that glorify God and are intimately satisfying. The joy of knowing that your generation is blessed because of you and the endurance you had relationally is a joy I want as I face the last of my days. I want to leave my generations blessed because I was willing to discipline myself to love Lisa and to be intimate. I want life without the regret of my failures in marriage and parenting, don’t you?
The internet is now an integral part of our society. We not only have internet access at home and work, but people are on cell phones almost everywhere. The internet represents the absolute best and worst of humanity. You can discover so much about addiction recovery and so much about addiction in a very bad way.
Most intimacy anorexics, like many people, have an unconscious contact with God. They rely most of the time on their own thinking and resources, and connect with God only after they have thoroughly botched their lives. Step Eleven in recovery reminds you to keep God in your conscious mind. You are then able to experience the power and love of God in a whole new way. As a result, you will experience life in a whole new way. You will have a higher sense of purpose and joy. The result of this new awareness of God on a moment to moment basis is a better relationship with God. As with any relationship, efforts at improving the relationship require time, energy, and some sort of communication. With time, you will find the method of communication that works best for you. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Just do it.
Some of you may be struggling with self-will. You don’t want to submit to a person or a process, even if it could free you from your current addiction. Overvaluing your own opinions and will can make your road to healing longer and more painful for both you and those who love you. Surrendering your will is crucial to success. I encourage you to surrender your will, follow the recovery principles, and being to walk in freedom.
The polygraph for a sex addict is a powerful recovery tool. It totally destroys the secret world, past, present and future. No more secrets, shame or guilt. Addicts receive the opportunity of a clean slate to start over again. The polygraph has killed so many temptations to act out or even contact old or new people to have sex with. Many addicts have told me that if it wasn’t for the polygraph, they would not have been able to stay clean, and I believe them. If you are interested in learning more about theraputic polygraphs testing at www.honesttopetepolygraph.com
Countless addicts have lost their sobriety through someone of the opposite sex. Someone from the opposite sex can be dangerous especially if he or she was a part of your addiction or you had a romantic or sexual relationship with them. Married people need boundaries around talking badly about their spouse, emotionally supporting the opposite sex (even in recovery), texting and physical contact.
The author of Hebrews continues to give principles to win in the holiest of competitions. He states, Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.
Countless addicts have lost their sobriety through someone of the opposite sex. Someone from the opposite sex can be dangerous especially if he or she was a part of your addiction or you had a romantic or sexual relationship with them. Singles need very clear sexual boundaries around physical touch regardless if they are 18 or 80 years old. Remember, self will is what got you and can keep you sick.
Respect is a core issue for men. Wives are told to respect their husbands, but honestly some men make that difficult. If you don’t keep your word, provide financially, keep up with home projects, pray with her, help around the house, and try to love her the way she wants to be loved, then it will be hard for her to respect you. Ask yourself if your behavior around the house and toward your wife is truly respectable. If the answer is no, you are creating a very difficult environment in which your wife is to respect you. You need respect; but if you are not giving respect by serving well, you are creating a wife who nags and criticizes, and you will feel less respected.
Jesus regularly taught about the law of the seed through praying, giving, or lusting. The ongoing lust of a woman or women in general has the DNA of unfaithfulness. The moment you break away from your covenant of forsaking all others, you create lustful, sexual interactions with this woman - real, imagined or fantasy. You begin to attach to her in an inappropriate manner. If you masturbate to this image, you have sexually reinforced behavior to this person, image or fantasy in your mind and heart.
Addicts tend to build support for their values and beliefs around their particular addiction. In classic recovery the addict is told to change their play places and playmates. This would include others that you might like and who have cared for you in some way, however they will be dangerous for you to be around.
Lust wants you to participate in the lie of opportunity so it can continue to infect you. When lust tells you nobody’s looking, it wants you to look at the opportunity. Most guys like legitimate opportunities, but these are not legitimate.
Marriage is God's final creation. When you see that your marriage is the final creation of God that you get to participate in, it affects your attitude within your marriage. When you see this miracle of marriage as a gift to you from God, your marriage becomes holy. That’s why I think it’s proper to call it holy matrimony because your marriage and mine are evidence of a divine presence and manifestation of His miraculous hand on earth. This view of marriage is a core belief.
Today's addict faces an even more dangerous world. In the old days you had to go into the dealers part of the neighborhood, the part of town where they sold porn, or your neighborhood bar. Today, with social networks, the invitation to act out come to you on your phone and computer.
The truth about lust is, it hates you. Lust knows it is not good for you. Lust knows it is causing self-rejection, distance with your spouse, friends and children. Lust knows every drink you take of it sucks the life out of you. But lust has you believing it is medicine instead of poison.
Remove is another word in recovery that can mean something very painful for a sex addict. An analogy of remove could be to remove weeds from your grass by pulling them up. Another picture could be to remove a tumor that in the future could have killed you.
Part of Step Ten is to take a daily, personal inventory and look at each person in your life, and see how you are interacting with each person. Look at your attitude towards others and honestly evaluate them. This is not done to the point where you are unable to enjoy interactions, but it is an honest evaluation of how you respond to peers, family, and all other relationships. Only take an inventory of your own behavior, not anyone else’s.