Intimacy Anorexia Patterns #1
Let’s go back to the definition of intimacy anorexia—the active withholding of emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy. If things are going along really well and the intimacy anorexic is feeling close to you and feeling like an intimate, emotional, spiritual, or sexual encounter is about to occur (e.g., the children are with grandma and there’s anticipation of real connection or a sexual rendezvous) this could ignite intimacy anorexic withholding behavior or several behaviors. This withholding or pushing away is intentional to cause pain for the spouse, so they won’t want intimacy or even ask to be close to the intimacy anorexic.
Step Two for Sex Addiction - "Greater Than Ourselves"
Step Two: "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Sex after Recovery
If sex addiction, infidelity, or intimacy anorexia have ever been present in your marriage, you and your spouse's sexuality can be impacted both significantly and uniquely. Our sexuality is a beautiful, strong part of who we are. Regardless of where we started or what has happened along the way, we can grow and heal and become very healthy sexually.
Step Two for Sex Addiction - "Came To Believe"
Step Two: "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Step One for Sex Addiction - "Unmanageable"
Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over our sexual addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable."
Step One for Sex Addiction - "Admitted"
Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over our sexual addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable."
Have an Attitude of a Lover-Spouse
Imagine waking up in love with your spouse rather than feeling like you are in some philosophical, duty-based, check-off-the-box of being a good husband or wife state of mind. Instead you wake up wowed and feel the same way you were enamored by them when you first held hands or kissed.
A Lack of Intimacy Destroys Relationships
Intimacy is necessary to create and sustain lasting relationships. It keeps you connected, allows you to be present and enables you to meet the other person’s needs. Relationships built on solid foundations and constantly renewed by intimacy are beautiful things. A lack of intimacy kills relationships. Picture your relationship like a lake. Intimacy is the stream that flows into the lake and constantly renews and feeds it. As soon as the stream dries up, the lake soon becomes a dry plain of cracked, sun-baked mud. Don’t let your relationships dry up and choose to be intimate intentionally.
Lovership
A lovership is when we not only believe we can be a lover to our spouse every day, we actually authentically behave this way.
"WE"
Paradigms in Marriage
The paradigms of your mother and father’s marriage can be the most influential paradigms you bring to the wedding day. The consistent exposure to your parent’s ideas about marriage is the “sauce” you were daily marinated in for at least two decades.
The One Second Rule
The one-second rule is simple. When applied, it can stop the Christian sex addict from beginning a fantasy before it happens. If you are looking at someone in an inappropriate manner, count to three, and then turn away. DON’T look back! I realize some of you think and process very quickly, so for you, the one-second rule would apply. For instant scanners, don't even count to one. Look away instantly! This works great, especially in public places like malls, restaurants or driving.
The Reality of AIDS
The reality of AIDS is everywhere. As an addict, you definitely need to be aware of your possible risk. If your sexual behaviors have included people other than your wife, you definitely need an AIDS test. This is not just for your peace of mind, but so you know you are not continually exposing your wife to a possible life-threatening disease. This test can be done anonymously in most of the larger cities in our country. The results take anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks.
Stealing in Marriage
Most of us grow out of this, if it’s an issue earlier in life. I like to think of how stealing in a marriage is more like taking credit for things that, in all honesty, God and my spouse have made great contributions and responsibility toward.
Love Always Hopes
Love always hopes. Love doesn’t just see each day as a photograph of their spouse. Love sees a movie in which we are only in a scene. The movie of my spouse is awesome. What God is and will continue to do in and through my spouse over the decades is truly amazing.
The Law of The Seed
Jesus regularly taught about the law of the seed through praying, giving, or lusting. The ongoing lust of a woman or women in general has the DNA of unfaithfulness. The moment you break away from your covenant of forsaking all others, you create lustful, sexual interactions with this woman - real, imagined or fantasy. You begin to attach to her in an inappropriate manner. If you masturbate to this image, you have sexually reinforced behavior to this person, image or fantasy in your mind and heart.
Intimacy Anorexia Characteristic #8- Criticism
Criticism - Ongoing or ungrounded criticism toward their partner or spouse is another characteristic of intimacy anorexia.
Make a List
Here is a tip will help you combat the lie that your wife isn’t enough. When the enemy and lust wants to talk about your wife, it’s important to have a tried and true method to defeat this attack.
Intimacy Anorexia Characteristic #7 - Unable to Share Feelings
Unable to Share Feelings - The intimacy anorexic is someone who is unwilling or unable to share their feelings with their spouse.
Serve Your Spouse Sexually
Sex is one of the greatest gifts God gives a married couple. Sex is great. Sex is also a place where our spouse needs our service. Your spouse is totally dependent on your Christ likeness. If one person is sexually self-centered, this can create pain for the marriage.
Seed of Kindness
The first seed of kindness we can sow into the heart of our spouse is words of kindness. Let’s start with responding kindly. For whatever reason, often when we get familiar with our spouse we can lazily move into being gruff, sarcastic, or demeaning in our responses to just normal questions. Our answers seem sharp instead of seasoned with grace.
Intimacy Anorexia Characteristic #6 - Withholding Spiritually
Withholding Spiritually - Intimacy anorexics can be very religious or a spiritual leader, but they rarely connect spiritually at home.
Honor your Father and Mother
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.