Core Ideas of Intimacy Anorexia Part Four
The skills in the anorexic’s addiction are any and all manipulations that create distance. I want to express that they are skills and they are refined skills to weaken their spouse or discover new weaknesses in their spouse. Most addicts refine their skills over time. The food addict can tell you the best ice cream, donut shop, or even the best steakhouse in town. The shopaholic can tell you the best stores and when these stores have their best sales for anything you could want, so you can buy more for less (that’s heaven for the spender). Similarly, over time, the intimacy anorexic gets better at discovering or honing additional methods for intentionally creating pain for the spouse, to create distance. If silence drives them crazy, they apply more. If anger works, it would become more intense, or more often. If it is shaming, then there will be more of this. Once you dig a little deeper into any addiction, it is insidious and intimacy anorexia is no different in that…
Core Ideas of Intimacy Anorexia Part Three
Intimacy anorexics are addicted to withholding and not giving of themselves. They strategize to stay disconnected. Often, they are not aware of this until it’s pointed out to them by someone on the outside. However, it is intentional behavior, creating or maintaining distance. So, when an intimacy anorexic is engaged in avoidant behaviors or maintaining avoidance, they are in the middle of “drinking” in their addiction, often oblivious to the pain they are causing themselves or their spouse.
Core Ideas of Intimacy Anorexia Part Two
This will be really hard to swallow for the intimacy anorexic because of the anorexic’s desire to “be in the good box.” However, when it comes to the spouse of the intimacy anorexic, the reality is that the spouse has little or no value to them.
Core Ideas of Intimacy Anorexia Part One
The first thing that is obvious on the intimacy anorexia side of this continuum is a lack of intimacy in the marriage because of an addiction to withholding and emotional immaturity of the intimacy anorexic. Unlike the food anorexic who starves their own body, the intimacy anorexic’s addiction is much crueler, starving both the anorexic and its spouse intentionally, making both people suffer. It is oftentimes the spouse who suffers more, and they may even be made to look like the one with the problem, due to the intimacy anorexic’s behavior.
Desire for Fairness in Marriage
Marriage is intentionally designed to cause you pain and inconvenience in order to teach you to love your spouse unselfishly. And by so loving them, you become Christlike. This process is not fair, but it is necessary to become Christlike in many ways—to lay down our lives for our spouses. Remember; this is love.
Being a Servant in Marriage
One of the most famous teachings of Jesus about serving is taught in several scriptures: Matthew 20:26, 23:11-12, and; Mark 9:35, 10:43-44. In Matthew 20 (which we will explore more deeply in the pages ahead) we find a story of a mother of two disciples making a request of Jesus that he put her sons in a place of honor and esteem above the other disciples, specifically at His right and left in His kingdom. As the story proceeds, Jesus makes this famous statement in verses 26 and 27 (NIV): “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave.” It is interesting that He did not rebuke the idea of someone wanting to be great. He just shifted the idea of the process.
Encouraging Your Spouse
Your encouragement and praise of them as their spouse can help them believe in themselves. Your praise can also help your spouse take that one more step toward reaching the goal they have set out to reach. Your voice can strengthen or weaken the will of your spouse, depending on whether you serve with praise or poorly by being critical. As a servant toward your spouse, you would do well to strengthen and encourage your spouse to use his or her will to glorify God, the Creator.
Authority over the Nations
I want to share a verse with you, that turned my world upside down and fueled my desire to stay sexually pure over the past three decades. “To the one who is victorious and does my will to the end, I will give authority over the nations—“( Revelations 2: 26)
Emotions Drive The Will
Emotions can drive the will as well. In fact, this is by far the most volatile driver of the will. When emotions drive the will, facts and truth can be close at hand or really far away, regardless of which gender you are.
Equipping your son for sexual purity
Praise as a Priority
Praise is also important to men. Before you ask your wife for praise, first ask how often and what type of praise you are sowing into your wife’s heart. Are you praising who she is, or just what she does? Are you giving praise with enthusiasm or in a monotone voice? From whom do you hear words like, Great job; you’re smart, kind, creative, hardworking? If this is mostly outside of your marriage, talk to your wife. You might want to follow Lisa’s and my example:.I give her two praises a day and she gives me two praises a day. This keeps both of our needs for praise a priority.
Legacy of Love
A form of joy that is set before you is the legacy you leave behind. The legacy of love you leave with the soul of your husband or wife. The legacy of love you set up for your children so that they create marriages that glorify God and are intimately satisfying. The joy of knowing that your generation is blessed because of you and the endurance you had relationally is a joy I personally want as I face the last of my days. I desire to leave generations blessed because I was willing to discipline myself to love my wife, Lisa. I want a life without the regret of my failures in marriage and parenting, don’t you?
Celebrate Your Spouse
One of the greatest ways to celebrate your spouse is in the presence of their creator. I am very serious about this. Spend some time on a regular basis just praising God for your spouse. You can celebrate just the fact that God gave them to you. You can praise Him for how blessed and different you are because they are in your life. Praise God for their attractiveness, sexuality, personality, humor, friendship or any other attributes your want to highlight to the Father of your spouse.
The Sex Addiction Cycle
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How to Talk to My Spouse About Intimacy Anorexia
4 Areas To Serve Your Spouse - #4 Household Service
Household issues in a marriage are very important. This is where the rubber meets the road regarding serving one another. But it is easy to find ways to serve your spouse in the home, because there are always helpful things for both of you to do around the house.
4 Areas To Serve Your Spouse - #3 Physical Service
A very important area of your spouse’s life is the physical body. Some people are great about taking care of their bodies, and others are… let’s say, less responsible.
4 Areas To Serve Your Spouse - #2 Emotional Service
Everybody needs an emotional cheerleader, someone who encourages you and lifts your spirit when you are feeling low. To serve another person emotionally does not require the ability to solve problems – it just requires your presence and support.
4 Areas To Serve Your Spouse - #1 Spiritual Service
On the night of Jesus’ betrayal, Jesus took a towel and a basin of water and washed the feet of His disciples. (See John 13:1-17). In Jesus’ day, foot washing was a daily occurrence. However, it was the custom to have a household slave wash the feet of the guests.
Attitude or Gratitude
This tip will help you combat the lie that your wife isn’t enough. When the enemy and lust want to talk about your wife, it’s important to have a tried and true method to defeat the attack.
Not My Inheritance
This tip has helped me personally in breaking free from lust’s deception. I believe God gives us each our own inheritance. Nobody can have or take my inheritance, and it includes many different things. One part is that my inheritance alone is my precious wife, Lisa.