In James 4:17: “Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.” This is a powerful scripture when it comes to marriage. Earlier I had you write out “If I was your lover I would...” You already know the good to do toward your spouse. Your heart already has a clear roadmap to love your spouse. You not doing it is sin. Not just sin against your spouse but sin against your Father-in-law, God.
Everyone in the real world of relationships knows that pain is part of the relationship process. Emotional intimacy isn’t, “I connect, give myself and receive you if you promise never to hurt me, see or mention my flaws, or disagree with me.” This conditional intimacy and irrational belief for safety in intimacy anorexics will need to be addressed. Withholding emotional intimacy says that regardless of how much of my heart I can access and give to you, I won’t share my emotional or authentic self with you. Sadly, this is a choice. True emotional intimacy, regardless of the skill, says to the spouse, “Here is my heart, flaws and all. I open it as much as I can and behold your heart as well.
The alcoholic has to one day say goodbye to the long term friendship of alcohol, if he or she intends to have a happier life in sobriety. He or she will have to make a permanent decision, to end forever, their relationship with their survival entity, the bottle.
Hi, I’m Dr. Doug Weiss. Thank you for joining me as we address an issue that impacts both men and women: lust. For many, it feels like an impossible battle, but the good news is this—Jesus Christ offers real freedom. Today, I want to help you understand the nature of lust and how, through God’s Word and His Spirit, you can walk in victory.
We admitted we were powerless over the sex addict and that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Kindness is a fruit of the spirit. It’s a fruit we all need to eat. There is something special in the nutrients of this fruit that makes anyone feel special. Take a minute and remember when someone was kind to you. How did you feel? Did you feel cared for, important, and special? When you eat the fruit of kindness it is so sweet to the soul. Do you remember the last act of kindness your spouse did for you? Do you remember how it made you feel? You have the power of kindness locked inside of you through the spirit of God. As a Christian, kindness is within you, and it wants to get out. Remember inside any act of kindness you plant a seed in the soul of your spouse. Now in time, the seed you planted will eventually grow.
Marriage is a place to proactively love and serve in humility. If we’re not practicing in this, we’re missing the whole teaching of Jesus on love. Here you want to look at your behavior, not what you might wish or believe you’re doing but what you’re actually doing with excellence with your spouse. This will help you to see if you’re more on the lover-spouse side of that continuum.
A tool that has helped many maintain recovery is to have a negative experience locked in, almost memorized that maximizes the pain and minimizes the pleasure to act out. For some sex addicts this picture could possibly be getting picked up by the police. For others, their worst picture is getting kicked out of the house for good, seeing their child's faces when they leave, seeing their spouse cry, hearing a judge say "no visitation rights," the loss of a job, a flirt with AIDS or abortions. These are only a few experiences. You may have one or more painful moments. You may want to write out these experiences to remind yourself.
It’s very critical that the intimacy anorexic has a severe consequence if sex is not initiated or they say no without medical reasons. If you want more information on the sexual agreement, you can read the chapter on this in the book Intimacy: A 100 Day Guide to Lasting Relationships.
Sharing your secrets is essential to moving past your shame and into claiming your sexual inheritance. The first question that comes mind is, "Whom would I talk to?" Here is a list of suggestions:
You have no power to entertain lust, without consequence, once it has been rooted and watered into your soul. Lust can drive you into more time, behaviors and take you past previous held plumb lines. When you accept that you are powerless to entertain lust, you recognize that you can’t play, talk to, flirt with or think you can have just a little. You are free from lust’s lies and its potential damage in your life. When you accept you’re powerless to entertain lust, you accept you can’t win, so you don’t play with lust. This simple powerful truth has rescued men from so much trouble because they realize, if you don’t plant a seed you don’t get a harvest.
Sexual matters need to be addressed by both spouses. Our sexual histories, sexual personalities, sexual development, sexual addictions and intimacy anorexia can all be overcome by the grace of our God and a willingness to obey Him in the areas we need to individually address. As we address these issues we can become more sexually mature and available for God’s best sex for the rest of our lives.
Honoring the one we love is an important ingredient so we can have a sacrificial life. Honor is valuing them. This is more than sexual purity—it’s being who we need to be for our spouse. Marriage is a tough sport so having a reasonably good self-care routine helps you to serve as a lover-spouse with excellence. You feel better and age slower as a side effect.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Recovery is a front loaded investment. It is where we are going to have to do the maximum to get recovery. If you, can go to the Twelve Step group meetings, listen and learn, grow, get accountable, stay open-minded, honest, and gain sobriety, it is worth being restored to a clear conscience. Many have inherited much of what we are dealing with. I know that my father was at least an alcoholic and a sex addict. I inherited those things, but have been given a great opportunity to get healed. My prayer is that my children will not have this inheritance in their lives. The outcome of going to groups, doing the steps and getting into therapy is a testimony that many people need. There are a lot of people out there who don't know how to get healed from sexual addiction. If you get the input in, you will find a ministry and the joy that is definitely worth the journey.
Let’s suppose you choose to become a vegetarian. At the core of your being you will not eat meat. You would easily refuse a hot dog, roast beef sandwich, even an expensive steak dinner. Why? Because you are vegetarian, meat is not for you, period.
When you look at a woman through a relational lens—seeing her as a whole person rather than a body—you’ll find it much harder to give in to lust. Lust thrives in detachment. It reduces a person to parts. But when you consciously place a woman in a human, relational, or even spiritual context, it shifts your perspective. She is someone’s daughter, someone made in the image of God, someone with a story, dreams, fears, and dignity. That awareness breaks the power of objectification.
Marriage is, in many ways, a continuous act of stepping beyond your comfort zone—for the sake of love, growth, and connection. As a partner, you’re not just sharing a life, you’re choosing to explore another person’s world—a world shaped by different experiences, perspectives, and values. Just as Texas is not the same as Pennsylvania, your spouse's inner world will feel foreign at times, unfamiliar in both beautiful and challenging ways.
Here’s an edited and expanded version of your message, maintaining the heart of your insight while deepening its clarity, tone, and spiritual resonance:
We admitted we were powerless over our intimacy anorexia—that our lives had become unmanageable.
We admitted we were powerless over our intimacy anorexia—that our lives had become unmanageable.
We admitted we were powerless over our intimacy anorexia—that our lives had become unmanageable.
We admitted we were powerless over our intimacy anorexia—that our lives had become unmanageable.