Many but not all intimacy anorexics have a genuine fear of intimacy. Intimacy is when you can be fully seen, flawed and all, and still be loved and accepted. For many anorexics, whether in their family of origin, an abusive incident, neglect or an early romantic or sexual relationship, they did not experience safety or love with intimacy.
I am a strong believer in rest. I work hard but I rest well. I can feel if I start violating the Sabbath day. How do you and your marriage do with the Sabbath principle? How do you know if you’re resting? How do you both recharge? What are the symptoms of each of you when you don’t rest? If someone was watching your Sabbath would they be able to prove you were trying to rest? Adding intentional, consistent rest to your marriage can sustain your marriage over the decades.
You can summarize sexual authority in these few words. God is the first owner. Your wife is the second owner and you are the third owner which gives peeing rights only. This revelation can help you get and stay clean. When you really accept your place in this corporation you will be free indeed.
“You first” is usually a polite saying we have when two people intersect a door at the same time. “You first” can be what you say to someone when the waitress comes to your table to take your order. “You first” is also the best first step in the forgiveness lifestyle.
For a list of Sexual Recovery Therapists visit www.aasat.org
Every once in a while a corporation gets a tag line to promote their business that becomes part of American culture. I think of Nike “Just Do It” and Chick-fil-A’ “Eat Mor Chickin” a sign held up by a couple of cows. Recently I was in a sporting goods store and I saw the tag line for Under Armor, a sportswear line and I loved it. The tag line simply said, “Protect This House.”
When an intimacy anorexic finds themselves acting in, withholding, pushing away, doesn’t follow their sexual agreement and doesn’t do The Three Dailies but has a set of consequences and does them quickly, without complaining then this is also a positive sign.
Your spirit, soul and body are just the tip of the iceberg of your amazing creation as a man. You are way more than just another pretty face. For anyone to view you just this way is like photograph thinking. You are not a photograph; you are more like a hologram, multi-faceted in every dimension. To see you as one dimensional is not to see you at all.
Addicts of all kinds are self motivated. If addicts want to do something, they don’t need goading to get something done, they just do it. One of the ways I can determine if an intimacy anorexic is in recovery is by following their creativity. Are they being creative when their schedule changes so that they can get the 3 dailies done? Are they keeping their sexual agreement and calling their group members or is their creativity being used for excuse making and avoiding responsibility to get sober by intentionally creating pain for their spouse? You may have heard the phrase, “follow the money” with addicts and you’ll know the truth. For intimacy anorexics it’s, “follow the creativity” and you’ll know the truth.
When you hear the words “well done,” what is the first thing that pops into your head? This tip is about the “well done” every believer wants to hear at the end of their life.
Anorexics have many strategies to avoid intimacy and sexuality. For some anorexics, male or female, they use the sexual encounter itself to accomplish avoidance and intentionally give pain to their spouse. If you are punishing or pushing away your spouse through sex, then you can clearly see this as an anorexic strategy to give pain, so you can be avoidant.
Talking about boundaries with someone else can be uncomfortable. Most people want to be liked by everybody. An addict, whether knowingly or unknowingly, surrounds themselves many times with other addicts. This makes it difficult as you decide whom you should not see during early recovery. You may ask, Do I have to give up all my friends? Hopefully, not all your friends are linked to your addiction, although, some may not be in your best interest to spend time with. You can refer to your earlier start at this on the exercise "Pray For Those Who Tempt Us."
The comments or dialogue is what happens to the anorexic after connected sex. The spouses state that the anorexic “gets cold,” “leaves me physically or emotionally,” “gets angry,” “gets very distant,” “critical” or “picks a fight the next day.”
There are some things that can make you more vulnerable to the enticement of lust. When you know these vulnerabilities, you can see red flags before you go off the path of lust-free living.
Soaking in fun, fellowship, and refreshment can be one of the richest investments you can make in your marriage. Fun can revitalize a marriage like nothing else. Occasionally, Lisa and I visit a very large hotel. This hotel has three pools, a large gym, and five restaurants. We park our car on Friday and don’t drive anywhere the entire time. Such long weekends can feel like a two-week vacation together. We come back replenished with more to give to our children and our work. Begin to plan a time where you and your spouse can sneak away and just enjoy being together!
Spirituality with our spouse is one of the most sacred things on earth. Regardless of the manifestation of worship, prayer, meditation, or other connecting rituals, when we share this inner person with our spouse, we are sharing our authentic self, more purely than mere words can express.
When you’re making love to your wife, make an intentional effort to praise and nurture her. Go deeper than just complimenting her body. Speak to her spirit and soul during sex. I will go into this more specifically in a later chapter on intimacy. You can become a great nurturer during your sexual experience by telling her how much you appreciate her in ways that aren’t sexual. Tell her that you love her honesty, her strength and her intelligence. Tell her what her beauty does for you. Tell her she makes you feel masculine and that you love being with her.
When someone believes that they can start lying to their spouse, it instantly creates problems in the marriage. Lying is totally counterproductive to the design of God in this creation we call marriage. Remember, God’s admiration of His final creation, this miracle of marriage, is that they be naked and feel no shame. One thing I know about lying after working with couples for more than twenty years, there is absolutely no upside. Firstly, lying denies the presence and person of God. To lie is to say God, you didn’t see that. God you don’t care that I lie, and God I am not accountable to you. So lying disturbs your perception of who God really is.
When you decide to honor your spouse emotionally on a regular basis, you will begin to see your spouse as the best person on earth to be with. Your spouse and his or her emotions are ever changing. Honoring your spouse’s emotions without feeling the need to fix them or fix the situation will produce enormous positive fruit in your relationship. So make a decision to travel through honoring your spouse’s emotions and cherish the person he or she is on the inside.