Once you’re informed, the decision to act in is no longer passive—it becomes a conscious, and often intentional, choice. Part of your recovery involves learning to identify your specific patterns of withholding and acting in, as well as the strategies you use to push your spouse away.

For example, choosing not to speak to your spouse in the morning is a form of acting in. Criticizing them before bed is a way of creating emotional distance—pushing them away.

Take a moment to reflect and make a list of your own behaviors—both your withholding/acting-in patterns and the ways you’ve pushed your spouse away. Awareness is the first step toward change.