The comments or dialogue is what happens to the anorexic after connected sex. The spouses state that the anorexic “gets cold,” “leaves me physically or emotionally,” “gets angry,” “gets very distant,” “critical” or “picks a fight the next day.”
Many of us have had things done to us by others. Often, we have done things or allowed things to happen to ourselves or even simply abandoned or neglected ourselves.
What issues do you need to walk through to make fun a part of your marriage? How often do you want to plan for fun? What is reasonable for you to do for fun in a year? You might choose to schedule a getaway annually, biannually or quarterly if you can afford it. Agree on a frequency for fun and then discuss your financial ability to plan for this expenditure. It will be a lot less fun if you spend your entire time worrying how much all of it is costing.
Today's addict faces an even more dangerous world. In the old days you had to go into the dealers part of the neighborhood, the part of town where they sold porn, or your neighborhood bar. Today, with social networks, the invitation to act out come to you on your phone and computer.
Shame is something that can make anyone retreat. We don’t want anyone to know about that secret thing we did or had happen to us. Shame is insidious. It lurks between the surface and bubbles up here and there leaving us emotionally incapacitated sometimes at the most inconvenient times.
Being married, you are automatically engaged in this war of love. That doesn’t mean that your spouse is the enemy and that you are the side of justice. No, the war is not about right or wrong it’s about being Christlike and seeking the truth as an opportunity to grow.
The truth about lust is, it hates you. Lust knows it is not good for you. Lust knows it is causing self-rejection, distance with your spouse, friends and children. Lust knows every drink you take of it sucks the life out of you. But lust has you believing it is medicine instead of poison.
Sexual avoidance and disconnectedness are real issues for intimacy anorexia recovery. If a person does not initiate when it’s their turn or says no when the spouse initiates, there needs to be a real consequence.
Luke 15:17: When he came to his senses, he said, How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!
Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
Speaking kind words to your spouse continually is a simple but very powerful task. Notice the little and large things your spouse does for you. Make kind comments to your spouse in front of your friends and children. Always thank them when they are serving you in some manner. If you really want to make your point clear, thank them for being kind; “Thank you, honey, for getting the butter; that was kind of you,” can highlight their kindness. This is better than, “thanks honey.” Although both are adequate, the first comment crystallizes to your spouse that you actually see their acts of kindness. They will eventually believe what you tell them--that they are kind.
Lust knows its voice is not nice so it cloaks itself in niceness. The intention is to capitalize on your weak moments for the express purpose of creating weakness in your life. That’s what perpetrators do. Believe the truth the next time lust tries to tell you how nice it is. Simply tell lust it’s lying and that you’ll take your weakness to Jesus where you will always become stronger.
True value is found in each person’s soul. This includes one’s heart, spirit, body, mind, will, emotions, relationships, and all their strengths and weaknesses. They are looking to be valued. Reflect for a moment about what or who you value and list them. Include the behaviors that support this.
As people living in a culture that is obsessed with technology we need to discuss this in the context of marital intimacy. The Internet is a great tool for research, shopping and many other services. Like the television it can be used for good such as carrying the gospel across the world or for negativity like so much of the prime time television.
Lying creates a wall between you and your spouse that is definitely felt. There is something going on between the two of you even if it is as simple as you’re angry at yourself for lying and you eventually take your anger out on yourself or on your spouse. Your wife absolutely has no way to process a lie. When you choose to lie to your wife she feels disrespected and hurt because you didn’t trust her enough to give her the truth. It’s like saying to her, “I don’t trust you and I don’t care.” You are rejecting your wife’s person when you lie to her and create intentional pain in your marriage. So guys, if you want to do something your wife won’t understand and is guaranteed to be hurt in your marriage, lie.
Definitely part of killing our flesh is walking in the Spirit which is love. Love is the absolute opposite of lust. Lust and love cannot exist at the same place at the same time. Lust and love are as polar opposite as light and darkness. You have to leave light to enter darkness. You have to leave darkness to enter light. In the same way we have to leave love to lust, and leave lust to love.
All human beings can and are selfish at times. This is a part of all of us, in that, we are a flawed but loved humanity. This selfishness is part of the overall anorexic entity to protect their heart and justify many behaviors that pull away from or push the spouse away.
One of the greatest gifts we receive in this life is to watch the lives of those around us. I have been blessed in so many ways to have learned from others who have done well in life and I also have learned by others through their mistakes.
All of us make some mistakes, after all, that is part of the journey of life. When we think of forgiveness we often think about how others have made mistakes against us. But too often we neglect the mistakes or sins we have committed against others or ourselves. Sinning against ourselves can also cause us pain or woundedness that we need to address to live a forgiveness lifestyle.
Many but not all intimacy anorexics have a genuine fear of intimacy. Intimacy is when you can be fully seen, flawed and all, and still be loved and accepted. For many anorexics, whether in their family of origin, an abusive incident, neglect or an early romantic or sexual relationship, they did not experience safety or love with intimacy.
I am a strong believer in rest. I work hard but I rest well. I can feel if I start violating the Sabbath day. How do you and your marriage do with the Sabbath principle? How do you know if you’re resting? How do you both recharge? What are the symptoms of each of you when you don’t rest? If someone was watching your Sabbath would they be able to prove you were trying to rest? Adding intentional, consistent rest to your marriage can sustain your marriage over the decades.
You can summarize sexual authority in these few words. God is the first owner. Your wife is the second owner and you are the third owner which gives peeing rights only. This revelation can help you get and stay clean. When you really accept your place in this corporation you will be free indeed.