Establishing a sponsor relationship can be one of the most powerful tools in recovery. One of the hardest parts of breaking free from addiction is the feeling of isolation—but a sponsor helps you realize that you’re not alone. This relationship provides not only support but also perspective, allowing you to see that there is hope, growth, and a meaningful future ahead in recovery.
When a man makes a sincere commitment to live a clean sexual life, that decision becomes a powerful catalyst. It often begins to draw in the very tools, people, and support systems needed to sustain purity—things like accountability software, trusted accountability partners, recovery groups, and life-giving resources. This is not coincidence. That inner commitment may be the very reason God starts aligning your path with the help you need.
Fire is one of the best analogies for understanding male sexuality—especially when it involves unchecked lust, fantasy, pornography, masturbation, or other non-relational sexual behaviors outside the marriage.
How do you know if you’re addicted to porn? Honestly—you already know. I knew. I couldn’t stop, even after a deep spiritual awakening. I looked forward to it. It shaped how I spent my time. If you’re addicted, you feel that rush just thinking about getting to your phone or computer, finding that private space, and disappearing for hours. You stay up too late, scroll too long, and search for more—something new, different—chasing a fantasy that somehow promises to soothe your soul. But it doesn’t. You’ve probably spent hundreds of hours feeling ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed in yourself, wondering why you can’t just grow up. You feel stuck—like you're emotionally immature, not fully present in your own life. Addiction does that. It robs you of emotional, financial, relational, and even sexual maturity. If you're in a relationship or marriage and can’t connect without fantasy—or you can’t climax unless you're in a mental porn loop—that’s a major sign…
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Lust is not optional for us—it’s prohibited. Plain and simple. By decree of the King—Jesus Christ—you and I are not permitted to entertain it. This isn’t a gray area. Both the letter of the Law and the Spirit behind it make this clear. Jesus didn’t lower the bar; He raised it. In Matthew 5:28, He tells us that even looking at someone with lustful intent is committing adultery in the heart. That’s not just a guideline—it’s a royal command.
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Clearly identifying the actual problem is one of the most important steps in resolving conflict in marriage. When a couple is able to name the issue respectfully and specifically, it prevents both partners from slipping into unkind or destructive patterns. Without that clarity, arguments often spiral—not toward resolution, but toward power plays, emotional manipulation, or unspoken resentment.
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Here's an edited and expanded version of your message. I've clarified the flow, deepened the emotional insight, and made the invitation to self-reflection even more powerful and compassionate:
Looking for a Sex Addiction Counselor? Read This First.
“Cherish” is a word we don’t use often enough—but it holds incredible power in a marriage. To cherish someone means more than simply loving them. It means making them feel seen, valued, and deeply special. It’s the art of intentionally reminding your spouse, in both small and meaningful ways, that they are treasured.
Walking in love is more than a feeling—it’s a daily choice to walk in the Spirit. When you truly love God, inviting Him into every moment, especially those moments where lust might tempt you, something powerful happens: the grip of lust weakens. Love brings light to dark places, and when God’s presence fills your heart, the shadows of temptation begin to fade.
Spirituality is a crucial and often transformative element in the recovery journey of a sex addict. Every human being is inherently spiritual, and this spiritual dimension must be nurtured for true healing to take place. Unfortunately, for many sex addicts, their spirituality may have been neglected, misunderstood, or even absent during their formative years. Sexual addiction often robs individuals not only of emotional, relational, and vocational growth but also of social and spiritual development. For some, spirituality is an entirely new and unfamiliar concept that must be discovered and embraced in recovery.
What Does It Mean to Make Amends?
Humbling ourselves is often one of the most challenging yet essential steps in the journey of recovery from sex addiction. It might look like attending a meeting where you don’t fully agree with someone else’s theology or perspective—but choosing to listen anyway. It might mean learning from someone who has more sobriety than you, even if they’re younger or come from a different background. Humility takes many forms, and it is a vital part of healing and growth.
Whether you’re dealing with addiction, recovering from it, or just navigating married life, dating your spouse is crucial. I always tell my friends: dating is way cheaper than therapy — but if you don’t do one, you’ll probably end up doing the other.
Intimacy Anorexia is the withholding of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy from a spouse. A sexually anorexic spouse will refuse to be available to pray or share feelings, or be sexual and will rarely be affectionate. Intimacy Anorexia is very covert. You may not even realize it has been going on for many years. Sexual anorexia is counter to the goal of three-dimensional intimacy. Answer the questions below to help you identify this pattern in your relationship. If you find you or your spouse have answered “yes” to five or more questions, I would recommend more help in this area. Intimacy anorexia is similar to an eating disorder. It is stubborn but there is practical help to get and stay out of these intimacy anorexic patterns.
Sex addiction is the active use of a sexual behavior, whether it is masturbation, an internet porn addiction, fetishes and/or behavior with self or others in a compulsive life-destroying pattern. When you are addicted to sex it is called a sex addiction.
When an intimacy anorexic finds themselves acting in, withholding, pushing away, doesn’t follow their sexual agreement and doesn’t do The Three Dailies but has a set of consequences and does them quickly, without complaining then this is also a positive sign. However, if they won’t do them, and continues to sulk or whine, that’s not a positive direction. If they refuse to do their recovery work then they are actively in their addiction mode and nobody can tell them what to do. In recovery we call this King or Queen Baby. Take a few minutes and honestly assess your own behavior.
A man whose sword is protecting himself and those he loves is honest and accountable. He still lives in an environment of temptation, as we all do. But if he opens an e-mail and sees something inappropriate, he tells somebody immediately. He cooperates with his wife in telling her the things she wants to know, and he has a trusted man or men to confess any inappropriate thoughts to as well.
Sexual addiction is a killer of spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy among Christian couples. The “sex glue” that should be cementing a marriage has cemented this person neurologically to the fantasy world associated with pornography. Now as an adult he or she has mastered disconnected, lust driven, objectifying sex. In their fantasy world they had designed the woman always wants sex, is willing to do anything, will work harder than the man for his pleasure and she has no needs of her own. Imagine reinforcing that sexual belief system thousands of times. Do you think you’re going to have happy, healthy three-dimensional sex?
The battle of lust is in the moment. Right now you are currently giving your brain positive reinforcement when you lust. You escape reality, you feel desired, you fantasize, and sometimes even receive a chemical reaction in your brain from the risk and excitement you feel.