The pattern if witholding can be damaging to a spouse. Dr. Weiss has teamed up with Kingdom Works to bring to you Stronger Together: A Marriage Blueprint for Intimacy stay tuned for more video sneak peeks of this powerful series.
Intimacy anorexics often live in an object world. The relational world is too dangerous for the intimacy anorexic to reside in for too long. In the object world, you can exchange characteristics like you would order extra features on an automobile. On a particular day, you might not be “the right object” to the intimacy anorexic. You might not be rich enough, helpful enough, or have the right personality or physique. You are simply not “the right object” for the day. Since you are not “the right object” for them at the moment, you can be punished. This entitlement to “the right object” upon demand can trigger an intimacy anorexic pattern of behavior.
Most individuals who are not intimacy anorexic realize how little control they have in their lives. They don’t really believe they control people in their life when they can barely control themselves. They have no faith in the illusion of control, or even controlling the perception others might have of them, that’s just way too much work for most of us.
If you’re not an intimacy anorexic, this one won’t make any sense at all. As humans, we are all flawed. We expect to make mistakes, be ignorant, hurt others, embarrass ourselves, and at times be caught or exposed when it happens. For the intimacy anorexic, trying to live in the “I’m really good” box and being found out to be flawed, can trigger an intimacy anorexic pattern of behavior.
One thing many intimacy anorexics talk about frequently is safety because they have bought into some fantasy that they are not to be hurt or questioned. They really want safety: not most of the time but all of the time. If they feel unsafe, even if they simply make it up that they are not safe, this could ignite an intimacy anorexic pattern of behavior.
Let’s go back to the definition of intimacy anorexia—the active withholding of emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy. If things are going along really well and the intimacy anorexic is feeling close to you and feeling like an intimate, emotional, spiritual, or sexual encounter is about to occur (e.g., the children are with grandma and there’s anticipation of real connection or a sexual rendezvous) this could ignite intimacy anorexic withholding behavior or several behaviors. This withholding or pushing away is intentional to cause pain for the spouse, so they won’t want intimacy or even ask to be close to the intimacy anorexic.
Respect is a core issue for men. Wives are told to respect their husbands, but honestly some men make that difficult. If you don’t keep your word, provide financially, keep up with home projects, pray with her, help around the house, and try to love her the way she wants to be loved, then it will be hard for her to respect you. Ask yourself if your behavior around the house and toward your wife is truly respectable. If the answer is no, you are creating a very difficult environment in which your wife is to respect you. You need respect; but if you are not giving respect by serving well, you are creating a wife who nags and criticizes, and you will feel less respected.
Stop and think about a kind touch your spouse blessed you with and where you were? How did you feel? You can give that feeling to your spouse at will because you possess the power of kindness. This power takes the whole world away and allows you to drink in pure love from your spouse.
Praise and nurturing one another is an essential ingredient for a vibrant ongoing intimate relationship. In the next one hundred days of practicing praise and nurturing you will get skilled and comfortable with the exercise of giving and receiving. For some husbands and wives the giving of praise is difficult. For others it is the receiving or acknowledging praise that is more difficult. Still for others both aspects of giving and receiving praise is difficult.
I want to share with you, the one verse that turned my world upside down and fueled my desire to stay sexually pure over the past two decades. This Scripture promises that if we overcome the duplicity of sexual immorality, God says, “I will.” He didn’t say maybe, or I might, He said “I will.” When God says, "I will," He keeps His Word. Period. When God says He will give you authority over the nations, He will. Notice He did not say authority just in your home, your city, state, or country—but, “over the nations.”
The culture and the enemy will throw temptation at you. Remember, Jesus had a prostitute wash His feet with her hair, and yet saw her personhood, valued her, and didn’t lust. The same purity lives in you and can be strengthened by all the tools you have in your arsenal. You are destined for a lust-free life. When you allow Christ to be the master of your thoughts and your values toward women, you will see amazing spiritual growth, because this kind of honor for others is a major component for understanding the kingdom of God.
Lust will try to negotiate for anything less than total annihilation. It can work its spell of patience and future compromise back to a more prominent place in your life. Never believe the lie that lust is in any way a lady, or that it will easily submit to your wish for it to leave your life. If lust ever presents itself as a lady, it is lying to you.
God knows our thoughts. I think He not only knows them, but He ultimately evaluates them. If you think your thoughts are your domain and that God cannot see, hear, or judge them, you will be tempted to keep lust in your life as much as you want.
A good recovery exercise is to memorize and quote appropriate scriptures to strengthen your spirit when you snap the rubber band, but continue to use the rubber band to recondition your brain. On average, the person who is consistent with this reconditioning exercise of the brain finds about 80% of the fantasy lifestyle subsides within the first 30 days. If continued throughout the first 90 days, intruding thoughts normally become minimal and manageable with other exercises discussed later. This is a great exercise to truly “take your thoughts captive.” You deserve a clean thought life and a retrained brain, and with consistency and deliberate application, you can achieve it.
A lot of humans experience rest and peace through meditation, and are able to still the constant obsessive thinking that prevents them from hearing what God has to say: that they are significant, they are loved, and they deserve to be healthy. Meditate on God’s character, your personal relationship with him, some scripture or recovery material you have, and allow them to really sink in to your spirit. Be still and God will speak to you.
Let the truth of scripture become true to your heart. When you and Scripture believe the same way, you begin to manifest the mind of Christ. Scripture can be a very powerful and ever expanding tool to help you remain in your lifestyle of remaining lust-free.
Once you find a scripture that works for you, there are several principles you can use to apply it to your life. First, read it daily. Second, put it in your phone or use it as a screen saver. Third, memorize it. Finally, pray it to God.
For Scripture to achieve its designed purpose, you must believe. Use a concordance to find and study Bible verses with these words: “lust,” “covetousness,” “adultery,” and “flesh.” Stockpile scriptures containing those words in your arsenal. You might also find it helpful to add to your arsenal scriptures on love, holiness, sanctification, or other positive words to give you a boost in fighting this war.
When you believe a scripture, lust has no strength against it. Scripture does what kryptonite does to Superman. It weakens the grip of lust on your mind and can make it quickly flee from your heart. Remember, lust is your flesh. The Word of God can kill your flesh and heal you at the same time—like nothing else on this planet!
Lust is deceptive. It deceives you into thinking you aren’t hurting your children when you lust. That concept is a lie.
Going back to the Garden of Eden, we realize that lust can be very sneaky. Lust tells you every woman is potentially yours and because of that, you are allowed to inspect and assess any woman you want. Lust makes you believe women in general are yours to do with as you please.
Once you walk through the doors lust opens for you, you are introduced to a limitless supply of lust candy. You will see all kinds of flavors, colors, and combinations—things you never dreamed of. You will meet women that say and do all kinds of sexual things twenty-four hours a day, but ask for nothing in return.
There are some lies lust likes to use more than others. One of the top five is, “You can handle this by yourself.” Once you believe this lie, all hope of you getting better is gone.
Lust is conniving. Lust makes you believe you have powers you don’t have so that you can have your way with lustful thoughts. There is a lie lust breathes into your life that allows you to incubate the seed. That’s the lie of, “As long as I don’t ______ ” Then lust lets you fill in the blank. This lie makes you believe that, “As long as I don’t ________”: look at women at church; look at real women, just pictures; don’t participate in sex acts with them; don’t touch them; don’t get caught, or; don’t pay for it, it’s okay. This list can be endless. You believe that as long as you don’t cross some self-created line, you are okay. In my experience, at some point, those who buy this lie of having a line move it, or allow it to become blurry because it has become too tangled.