Marriage brings changes over the years. You move from apartment to house to having children, to having children in school, to having kids in college, the children’s weddings, grandchildren, aging, and more. Each stage reassures us that, as servants we will grow, learn, and adapt. Also, the person we serve changes. What they enjoyed as a young person (ice cream or vigorous exercise) might change as they age (salads and rest).
We must not hesitate, procrastinate, or do any other “ate.” We must agree with the goal. We must be able to say to God: “I agree with your agenda to change me into Christ’s likeness on earth so that during the little amount of time I have here, people will experience you.”
Today, I want to share two of the six roots of fairness.
Most of us like to have things fair. Marriage is not fair in any way, shape, or form. Marriage is intentionally designed to cause you pain and inconvenience in order to teach you to love your spouse unselfishly. And by so loving them, you become Christlike. This process is not fair, but it is necessary to become Christlike in many ways—to lay down our lives for our spouses. Remember; this is love.
Resentment often arises due to some sense of entitlement or thinking, this is beneath me, I am more important than this, or this isn’t my job. It creeps in over time. Sometimes we do not even know it is there until we are asked to go above and beyond what we thought it meant to be a good spouse.
This is the attitude I see a lot from both men and women, but more men than women. Often they go to churches where the men are told it is biblical to dominate and bully their wives into “submission.” (Interestingly enough, I have never spoken to men or women who teach this who are actually submitted to real spiritual authority themselves.)
Recently, we went out to a restaurant with our children and a couple of their college friends. The waitress was great. She stayed on top of refilling drinks and she got the order right for all six of us—exactly as we asked—without having written it down. We all talked about how good the service was as we left. In another example, Lisa and I went out to a local restaurant after work one night. The waiter was so friendly to both of us and so competent, we went back again just because of the service we received. The attitude in which service is given has a significant impact on those being served.
Kindness is something we can do intentionally. Much of what we do in life can be done intentionally. Imagine if your spouse woke up in the morning and prayed, “Lord, help me to be kind to my spouse. Give me eyes to see Your opportunity to plant kindness today. I want my spouse to taste Your fruit of kindness today through me.”
Teamfulness is a word that I have coined to define the way a husband and wife operate in unity with team spirit. Marriage is a team sport. You and your spouse are on the same team. You will have the greatest success if you think and act like a team.
Sometimes kindness is spoken more loudly by a touch than by any words you speak. Holding your spouse’s hand gently can express volumes of kindness. A gentle caress or light back-scratching can be felt as a kind affirmation of your spouse. A foot or back rub in private can really send a message of kindness toward your spouse.
The first seed of kindness we can sow into the heart of our spouse is words of kindness. Start responding kindly to your spouse. Often, out of laziness or familiarity, we begin to be gruff, sarcastic, or demeaning in our responses to normal questions. Our answers seem sharp instead of seasoned with grace.
There are several kinds of kindness that should be a part of your love agreement. Kindness is a pivotal behavior in the love agreements. Kindness is caring for a spouse with great gentleness and without a trace of meanness. Kindness is a meek person who has strength but chooses to use it in a gentle manner toward the people he or she loves. Gentleness is a directed strength with the sole purpose to support, encourage, or strengthen our spouses.
Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit. It’s a fruit we all need to eat. There is something special in the nutrients of this fruit that makes anyone feel special.
Kindness is something your spouse needs daily. Your spouse may not even know he or she needs it or even how to ask for it. It is just very obvious when kindness has run out.
Dailies are marriage recovery exercises that every couple can use to build and strengthen their relationship.
When the enemy and lust wants to talk about your wife, it’s important to have a tried and true method to defeat this attack. Lust wants you to focus on your wife’s flaws. What you want to focus on is her awesomeness and the strengths she has. She is a uniquely designed woman of God and created just for you. You know her more intimately than anyone and would be the best person to highlight her strengths. Take 5 minutes right now and make a list of 5 to 10 things you absolutely love about your wife. For single guys, list 5 features in a woman of God. She is an amazing person - spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically. Place these on a note in your wallet or in your phone. Anytime you hear her being criticized in your mind, pull out your list and say these strengths out loud. You can start thanking God for these strengths in your wife. God loves hearing appreciation for the gift he has given you so freely. When you speak these out loud or thank God for your wife’s…
Guilt and shame are common feelings in early recovery, but as you move forward and begin to get first thirty and then ninety days of sobriety behind you, and actively pursue the steps, I find that most people begin to see and feel the guilt and shame break away. This is especially true after completing Step Five.
Lust knows its voice is not nice so it cloaks itself in niceness. The intention is to capitalize on your weak moments for the express purpose of creating weakness in your life. That’s what perpetrators do. Believe the truth the next time lust tries to tell you how nice it is. Simply tell lust it’s lying and that you’ll take your weakness to Jesus where you will always become stronger.
If you’re married, talk to your wife about your need to be touched. If you ask for sex every time she tries to be affectionate, you have to take responsibility for your wife not being that excited to touch you because she’s thinking she doesn’t always want to have sex. So separate the need for touch and sex. Ask to be touched, but separate this so that touching you is safe for your wife.
The third part of recovering strategies with your spouse is setting up consequences. Each person sets up their own consequences for not keeping their sexual agreements. For the intimacy anorexic, especially if this is a primary way they intentionally create pain for the spouse, the consequence needs to be severe. Some intimacy anorexics have set consequences like: · Half day wage to political party they don’t vote for · Sleep in the garage with only a blanket · Cook for a week · Give $200 to the spouse to spend on themselves · Take off a day of work and just spend time with their spouse · No television or computer for one month Any consequence will do, as long as it is “painful” for the intimacy anorexic. This sexual withholding is probably the meanest, cruelest, and most intentional of all the intimacy anorexic characteristics. Any intimacy anorexic that won’t give themselves to their spouse sexually is not sober.
There are three components to a sexual agreement. First, establish a weekly frequency. I really recommend no less than once a week. Once you have established a desired sexual frequency, the next thing to do is to decide how this frequency will be accomplished on a weekly basis. You can pick days, split the week into parts, or rotate days, or weeks back and forth.
The Three Dailies is the core of your intimacy anorexia sobriety. If you, as the intimacy anorexic, do not initiate this exercise, you have relapsed, and you did NOT have a day of sobriety. Your spouse is to do all these exercises with you; however, they are not to initiate them with you. The only way they would initiate this would be if you are both intimacy anorexic and then you rotate responsibility on a monthly basis to make sure you’re both sober.
God has given you the potential to change the world!
There is no need to compromise your destiny by viewing pornography or living a promiscuous lifestyle. Those actions are simply too small for you. You are not called to peck the ground like a domesticated chicken waiting for the slaughter. No, rather, you are like an eagle destined to fly to incredible heights! If need be, humble yourself, so others can be free.