Remove is another word in recovery that can mean something very painful for a sex addict. An analogy of remove could be to remove weeds from your grass by pulling them up. Another picture could be to remove a tumor that in the future could have killed you.
Part of Step Ten is to take a daily, personal inventory and look at each person in your life, and see how you are interacting with each person. Look at your attitude towards others and honestly evaluate them. This is not done to the point where you are unable to enjoy interactions, but it is an honest evaluation of how you respond to peers, family, and all other relationships. Only take an inventory of your own behavior, not anyone else’s.
In Luke 15:17 it states, When he came to his senses, he said, How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!
A child can feel managed in a situation where an older couple has a child out of duty, but really didn’t want the child, or in a large family where there is no connecting to the parents. Another example is the intimacy anorexic couple that got pregnant one of the rare times they had sex.
Sexual addiction is often seen as a cause for intimacy anorexia. The sex addiction empowers the intimacy anorexia and the intimacy anorexia empowers the sex addiction. Sex addiction is when someone uses sex in a way to medicate or deal with life. They have tried to stop and often have a secret sexual world from their spouse. It is common for sex addicts to be intimacy anorexics.
Addicts of all kinds share (for the most part) some family of origin issues. I am not trying to place blame here, but rather to share with you a cause for intimacy anorexia that I have seen in many people.
Sexual trauma is at the root of many addictions and mental disorders. Sexual trauma is one’s sexuality being ravaged, shamed, and damaged by strangers, friends, or family members. Whether it is one-time or hundreds of times by one person or many people, it creates pain that affects the entire being of the victim of sexual trauma. This pain will have to be addressed by the soul in some manner.
We live in a world where entertainment is a multi-billion dollar industry. We see movies that have many different genres: healthy and thoughtful, neutral, sensual, to almost erotic and unsafe for any viewer. The biggest question men face in regards to their entertainment is, “How can I watch a movie and feel safe about not engaging in lust?” I find the streaming service www.vidangel.com provides a way to skip or mute things you don't want to see or hear in movies and TV shows. VidAngel puts you back in control of movie night. Another helpful service that I utilize is www.PluggedIn.com - This resource gives reviews for movies, TV shows, games, books, and music so that you can make educated decisions about your entertainment. You don't have to accept Hollywood's standards for your own family and let those values define your media consumption . Utilize these resources to protect your eyes and your heart from potential harm.
The author of Hebrews continues to give principles to win in the holiest of competitions. He states, Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.
A major step in dealing with this issue of sexual shame is asking forgiveness from yourself. This might sound peculiarly trite, but I have found that if men can own their behavior and forgive themselves for it, they are much more likely to move into the next few steps that will rid themselves of the sexual shame. Here is a very practical and successful way of doing this: Face two chairs toward each other. Sit in one chair (Chair A) and symbolically imagine yourself in the other chair (Chair B). Talk to the self in Chair B and ask forgiveness for whatever the issue is. Then move to Chair B and respond to yourself (hopefully forgiving yourself). Go back to Chair A and respond to being forgiven.
When you believe a scripture, lust has no strength against it. Scripture does what kryptonite does to superman. It weakens the grip of lust in your mind and can make it quickly flee from your heart. Remember lust is your flesh. The word of God can kill your flesh and heal you at the same time like nothing else on this planet! Once you find a scripture that works for you, there are several principles you can use to apply it to your life. First, read it daily. Second, put it in your phone or use it as a screen saver. Third, memorize it. Finally, pray it to God.
The one-second rule is simple. When applied, it can stop the Christian sex addict from beginning a fantasy before it happens. If you are looking at someone in an inappropriate manner, count to one, and then turn away. DON’T look back! I realize some of you think and process very quickly, so for you, the one-second rule would apply. For instant scanners, don't even count to one. Look away instantly! This works great, especially in public places like malls, restaurants or driving.
Dating is important in your marriage or relationships. It is important to spend quality time together. It is important to get out, have some fun, adventure, and experience things together.
Why? Why has this battle so intensified that anyone watching television will be sexually assaulted, or “slimed,” within minutes of turning on the tube? Why do we celebrate sexual humor, suggestive language, open adultery and fornication? And why are so many Christian men watching it? The “why” is an important question to ask. If a man wants to comprehend the pit he is in and the work it is going to take to become clean, he must understand the why. I remember having to know the “why” while I was in Bible college and seminary. I knew and understood the why of obeying God and helping people, therefore I could endure final exams, long nights, and challenging professors.
One more suggestion on becoming an intentional spouse is setting some weekly goals. Here you would have to draw upon what has worked in the past with your spouse and maybe come up with some new ideas to do the work.
To add another principle to aid in success, you can follow a principle of reward or consequence. Give yourself a time period a week, month or quarter. If you’re 80 to 90 percent on the lover objectives you put on your calendar, then assign a personal reward for yourself.
We all know people who write things down and just don’t do them. I don’t want you to be one of those spouses. Any area of life you want to accelerate in will always have a person or people you’ll be accountable to. This person is always the same gender. Often this person has genuine affection for you, and depending on the area of life, they might have more expertise in the area than you currently do.
I’ve seen great success with clients who put dates and other things on their electronic devices to remind them to get things done. When they are purposeful in scheduling and putting it in their calendar, they’re more likely to do it. As a spouse, some of us just intuitively flow in being an intentional spouse. It’s like a gift. If this has been a challenge for you, then you’ll need to be intentional and structure time to be intentional toward your spouse. Intentionally organizing and structuring time for activities with your spouse, is a sign you love and shows your spouse how important they are to you.
Sex is a critical part of intimacy anorexic recovery. How you have sex is very important. The goal is to connect during sex. To help you do that and to know when you are not connecting is imperative to follow these guidelines during intercourse.
Addicts of all kinds are self motivated. If addicts want to do something, they don’t need goading to get something done, they just do it. One of the ways I can determine if an intimacy anorexic is in recovery is by following their creativity. Are they being creative when their schedule changes so that they can get the 3 dailies done? Are they keeping their sexual agreement and calling their group members or is their creativity being used for excuse making and avoiding responsibility to get sober by intentionally creating pain for their spouse? You may have heard the phrase, “follow the money” with addicts and you’ll know the truth. For intimacy anorexics it’s, “follow the creativity” and you’ll know the truth.
In the battle of lust it becomes so easy to get focused only on your own battle. When this happens, you tend to only pray for your purity, victory, freedom and deliverance. I want to challenge you to another option-others. Take time every day to pray for those you personally know who are struggling. Pray for the men in your church, city, state, nation, and the world. Cry out to God for their eyes to be opened, hearts to be healed, revelations to be given, relationships mended, and freedom to walk in love and in the Spirit. God can use you to move in people’s lives around the world. You can be an agent of change. Not just for you, but others.
One of the best things you can do for yourself in regards to eliminating shame is simply not do things that you know you’ll become ashamed of. If you make a lifestyle of doing the right things, you’re more likely to build a positive self-esteem. Moreover, if you do good for others without letting them know about it, you will feel even better about yourself. Imagine if all the secrets you had inside of you consisted only of how you had helped others! Life without shame is much more satisfying, incredibly so. If you do commit a less-than-wonderful act, talk about it as soon as possible so shame can’t grow. I hope you will honestly evaluate your performance so you can be freed and claim sexual success.
Many of us have had situations in our childhood that we have had to admit. Maybe we stole something or something happened to us and we had to admit what we did. Do you remember those feelings of dread before we admitted something? Then we went ahead and admitted it. We told what we did or what happened to us. After we admitted it, we felt less heavy or burdened and as if we could now move on. Admitting for the sexual addict is one of the hardest things we will do in our recovery. Admitting is a very important aspect of recovery and only those who admit to sexual addiction can move forward in recovery and life.