Somewhere along your life I am sure you heard someone say, “I learn something new every day.” I know this is absolutely true if you are doing life with an open heart. Life is constantly throwing us challenges, experiences, relationships or changes in relationships that give us a great opportunity to learn.
In this exercise, I am trying to equip you with an arsenal for you to have a positive successful marriage. To have a positive marriage you have to plant positive seeds. I am always amazed, especially at couples in the community of faith who understand reaping and sowing and how we misapply this in a marriage. If I sow negative seeds, I will eventually get a negative harvest of some kind.
This is an enjoyable exercise that you can do in your marriage. If you are spontaneous and creative, you could do this very regularly. If you find it challenging to put your love and appreciation in words, this might offer you an excellent opportunity to work out those creative muscles.
This is a fun exercise to let your spouse and you learn a little bit about your day. Often spouses are separated for many hours throughout the day. During these hours your spouse can go through a myriad of thoughts, feelings, experiences, and interactions. You know how it can be after you both finally get back together after a long day apart. The wife asks you, “So how was your day?” You give her the monotone, “Fine.” If you ask her about her day you get some small response and you go on to enjoy the rest of your night.
All of us like to stroll down memory lane. Whether it is months, years, or decades, you have incredible memories that only you and your spouse have shared during your marriage. Every couple experiences the adventure of a life together. Each of us has our Rolodex of memories like snapshots of these events. In this exercise, I want you to focus on the positive memories that you have shared.
I have been giving this 10-Minute Marriage exercise to couples for more than 30 years. This exercise has been in many of the marriage books I have written. So I really believe strongly in this exercise. To have a great marriage you absolutely must have the ability to be able to identify and share your feelings. If you or your spouse cannot identify or share your feelings with each other you will have so many more arguments and much more anger throughout your marriage.
This exercise is amazing. As a counselor I see so many couples who have difficulty even looking each other in the eyes. I have even had people not even remember their spouse’s eye color!
This is a very powerful exercise. I would probably suggest you try this one first before adding it to your menu. This exercise is only one minute long. You can set your kitchen or egg timer for a minute to let you know when the exercise is complete.
I know many of you reading this app are people of faith of one form or another. Here is the interesting thing I have experienced with couples that are people of faith who come for counseling. Most do not pray together. Many go to church or spiritual services or events together, but at home, one-on-one together, other than thanking God at meals they don’t pray together. Just yesterday I had a pastor and his wife in my office. They have been actively in ministry for more than 25 years. When I asked them about praying with each other they sheepishly admitted that they very rarely pray together.
You have to accept this: She’s not going back.
Here’s a refined and expanded version of your passage with clearer structure, deeper emotional weight, and a more powerful message:
You’re not going to get it back right away. If you try to take it back by force, you’re going to meet resistance—because she doesn’t feel safe with you in control yet. And why would she? You’re the one who caused the wreck, and now the people she loves most are bleeding because of it. So for now, she’s going to drive. That doesn’t mean she wants to be above you forever, but it does mean she’s not ready to trust you leading yet.
The marriage you once had is gone. That version of your relationship no longer exists, and it’s not coming back. You’re not trying to rewind time or recapture something that’s been shattered—you’re trying to build something new from the wreckage. If you keep asking, “Why can’t you just be that sweet, trusting person I married?” the answer will always be the same: “Because you betrayed me.”
As you validate, as you disclose, understand this—it’s a journey. There will be bumps, setbacks, and hard conversations. This isn’t a one-time event. It’s not a puke and go moment. True disclosure is an ongoing, authentic process, and that’s exactly what Christ calls us to.
How many of you would rather have the hero story than the past story?
How would this Christian woman feel if she knew what you were doing? Betrayed. Hurt. Unwanted. Ugly. Lied to. Conned. Disgusted. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Confused. She would question her judgment, her beauty, her worth—wondering if she was ever enough. That’s how she would have felt.
Who do you want to protect—your wife or your secrets? A man can only protect one. Your sword only swings in one direction. You must decide: Will you guard your secrets, keeping them safe while wounding your wife? Or will you stand in the light, protecting your wife and slaying your secrets? You don’t get both. It’s an either-or decision.
You were chosen to hear this message—because you are chosen! God has placed something deep within you—a purpose, a calling, a strength that is meant to rise up. He’s given you talent. He’s given you resilience. He’s given you the ability to heal, to become whole, and to walk in power.
How do we view this warrior lifestyle? This path we’ve chosen, where we stand apart? We’re not like the rest. We don’t live like other men do. We don’t indulge in what the world calls normal. We don’t sit back and consume whatever’s on TV, we don’t get lost in pornography, we don’t chase after cheap thrills with “Hey baby” moments. That’s not us anymore. Because we’re warriors.
What if you actually decoded the lie? What if, instead of letting it take root, you recognized it for what it is—and rejected it?
Over time, these imprinting voices take root in our minds. The voice that whispers, "You're worthless." The one that hisses, "You're not good enough." "You're not capable." "You won’t." "You can’t."
I will ask for a letter grade on all 4 promises: A-F
Do you hold as important the things that your spouse considers important?
Promise #3 - Honor