The battle of lust is in the moment. Right now you are currently giving your brain positive reinforcement when you lust. You escape reality, you feel desired, you fantasize, and sometimes even receive a chemical reaction in your brain from the risk and excitement you feel.
Sexual abuse can be a roadblock to spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. For some individuals it appears that the abuse has not affected them much at all. They appear to be more resilient to the adverse affects. Some are affected by the abuse for a period of time but seem to work through the issues. Still others who have been sexually abused desperately need healing in their soul to process the pain they have and the memories that they presently feel and this person truly may need professional help to work through these past events. All are valid responses to trauma.
One thing that keeps you from becoming a great spouse is just plain sin. Sin is something you’ve been convicted of by the Holy Spirit—that you’re doing wrong and you keep doing it. That is one area of sin. You unconsciously think or behave as, “I know it’s wrong but too bad I don’t want to change.” This type of sin is when you handle yourself in a willful way to not address a known behavior or relationship that is unhealthy in your life. My experience is when we get this attitude of willfulness in an area of our life it affects our heart. The impact on our heart—guilt, shame, secrecy, rebellion—will impact us in our marriage.
Kindness is something our spouses can use daily. They often don’t know they need it or even how to ask for it. They just know when they are out of kindness.
Sex is a critical part of intimacy anorexia recovery. How you have sex is very important. The goal is to connect during sex. To help you do that and to know when you are not connecting is imperative to follow these guidelines during intercourse.
This tip has helped me personally in breaking free from lust’s deception. I believe God gives us each our own inheritance. Nobody can have or take my inheritance and my inheritance includes many different things. One part that is my inheritance alone is my precious wife, Lisa. Your wife is your only sexual inheritance from God. The other women, images, fantasies are not your God given inheritance. When you face a situation to lust, you can simply state, “not my inheritance” in your mind.
Sexual shame poses an enormous obstacle to your sexual success. Harboring shame of any kind can limit your ability to be fully available in the bedroom. This is true even more so when it comes to sexual shame. Since most men keep such shame a secret, the shame often becomes so deeply imbedded that it’s almost a part of the man himself. Since a man is sexual daily to some degree, he will feel this shame daily. It plagues his quiet moments and frightens him in the face of real intimacy. It talks to him when he is alone.
When you know these vulnerabilities, you can see red flags before you go off the path of lust-free living. Here are a few vulnerabilities that you may find helpful to recognize. Tired is another vulnerability many men face. Staying tired can make you want to medicate or energize yourself with lust. Busy is the final vulnerability. Being busy for a prolonged basis can easily bring out hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Be very careful if you see sustained busyness. Knowing the acronym HALT-B can give you a quick system check on yourself as a measure of vulnerability.
Utilizing a sponsor relationship can help tremendously, to not feel alone, in recovery. This relationship, hopefully, will allow you to see that there is more for you in recovery in the future.
Overcoming an addiction can be one of the hardest, but most life-changing things someone can do in life. The grip of addiction is real, and so are the principles for healing. Here are some general points on overcoming any addiction.
This exercise might seem odd to you at first, but doing it can be very helpful. The alcoholic picks up alcohol early in life and the alcohol becomes a friend. It represents a place to go to in order to feel safe and secure. It may help him/her to be animated, take a risk, or have friends. In the same way, this intimacy anorexia has become your friend. This massive protective entity, your anorexia, came along somewhere in your life to serve you knowingly or unknowingly and you began to trust this entity for many things in your emotional life. This entity helped you survive but it cannot help you really live. On a piece of paper, write a thank you letter. Thank your anorexia for all it has done for you over the years. When you are finished, read it to one of your support group people.
Our marriage provides a daily opportunity to serve in various capacities, including demonstrating the nature of Christ to our spouse and doing so in such a way that we’re all-in lover-spouses toward the one we married.
If men walked under sexual authority and called their wives BEFORE they acted inappropriately sexually, do you think there would be more or less sexual sin in the global body of Christ? Less, I am absolutely sure of this. This submission to our two owners by itself could put sexual sin in remission in the church. Most men are not under sexual authority. They are not experiencing the blessings of being under authority. Being under sexual authority is most freeing. My sexual organ decisions are not mine to make. They are God’s through my pastor and my wife. Now I realize some of you may call yourself single and think this doesn’t apply to you.
If you're married and your spouse is withholding sex from you, that can be painful. While there are some similarities, Sexual Anorexia and Intimacy Anorexia are two different things. They can happen to either gender regardless.
When you believe a scripture, lust has no strength against it. Scripture does what kryptonite does to superman. It weakens the grip of lust in your mind and can make it quickly flee from your heart. Remember lust is your flesh. The word of God can kill your flesh and heal you at the same time like nothing else on this planet!
Once you’re informed, the decision to act in is no longer passive—it becomes a conscious, and often intentional, choice. Part of your recovery involves learning to identify your specific patterns of withholding and acting in, as well as the strategies you use to push your spouse away.
Addicts of all kinds are highly self-motivated. When they truly want to do something, they don’t need pressure or reminders—they simply do it. One way I assess whether an intimacy anorexic is genuinely in recovery is by observing their creativity.
Some anorexics have absolutely no difficulty asking for sex. For some, sex is not part of their anorexia at all. However, many intimacy anorexics have difficulty or even great difficulty asking their spouse for sex. Rational or not, they know sex and marriage are part of each other. The asking, however, is a tool they just never acquired.
As men, we are often exposed to sexual imagery from a young age—whether through magazines, television, or even seemingly innocent sources like National Geographic. For some, it began with photo magazines, decks of cards, or publications like Playboy. Today, the challenge is even more intense, with the Internet offering constant and immediate access to explicit content—what can truly feel like a venomous weapon used by the enemy.
Making a daily phone call during early recovery is a vital tool for staying focused and accountable. This daily check-in helps you take responsibility for any acting-in or withholding behaviors, and it reinforces the truth that you're not alone—there’s a support system in place to walk with you through recovery.
Much like alcoholism was in its earlier days; sexual addiction has been viewed as a moral problem. The thought has been, “If the addict would just control himself, he wouldn’t act this way.” Too often sexual addiction has been cast as a character or spiritual problem. Many people have labeled it a psychological problem. The real root of sexual addiction isn’t any one factor. And discovering the root to your personal addiction requires a study of the possible causes.
Sexual recovery is a significant indicator of healing for someone recovering from intimacy anorexia. The list of excuses for avoiding sexual growth could go on for pages—but at its core, this resistance reflects a refusal to be giving, loving, and emotionally mature within the marriage.