We all experience change and depending on the paradigms we’re operating upon; our marriage can move from a vibrant lovership during dating and the early years into a functionship.
A functionship is when romance takes a vacation from the marriage. The couple loses sight of who or why they married and focuses on the management aspect of the marriage and family.
Functionships are really common in Christian marriages especially if your theology focuses more on doing the “right thing” more than being loving. The functionship focuses on the many things that have to happen on the day-to-day basis: who’s paying the bills; who’s making the money; who’s saving money; who’s taking the children to school, picking them up, and taking them to their various activities; and who’s handling all the errands including church, working out, dry cleaners, managing the fix-it guy, the yard, dishes and laundry.
When a couple moves toward functionship, there’s less time just for each other. The couple often stops praying together, engaging in physical touch slows way down, and sex becomes more of a “have to” than “get to” attitude. You go to bed tired and life and marriage are no longer fun for either of you.
If a functionship becomes the norm for a couple, both individuals lower their expectations of love and passion, and accept the grind as normal. Since both silently agree to just accept this functionship lifestyle, there seems to be an understanding that this is just the way things are and possibly the way they always will be.
However, over time the unmet emotional connection; the lack of spiritual connection, genuine praise, and appreciation; and the resignation to the attitude of just having sex and not being made love to begins to take a toll. When this happens, an individual or the couple might build up resentment or hopelessness, which causes internal pain and conflict.
When the marriage is suffering, one or both people in the marriage have to adapt to survive this lack of being in a lovership. They might over work, over eat, over exercise, watch pornography, have emotional affairs to medicate the pain of being in a functionship. Sadly, when an individual or the couple adapt by self-medicating to survive a functionship, that self-medicating method can then actually become an addiction or a greater problem for the marriage.
Remember this is a slow process. This process is similar to the metaphor of the proverbial frog in the pot. This behavior in the marriage of not feeling appreciated, respected, heard, and connected occurs month after month, year after year. The decision to medicate starts off very slow--extra alcohol, racier pictures, more sharing outside the marriage, going out to eat with others, and spending extra hours at work.
Functionship was never God’s plan for marriage. He designed marriage to be a lovership of three people—Himself, Adam, and Eve. The design of a “one being trinity on earth as it is in heaven” was his last masterpiece of creation. If you this sounds familiar I encourage you to read the book Lover-Spouse and begin to rebuild your marriage.