Resentment often arises due to some sense of entitlement or thinking, this is beneath me, I am more important than this, or this isn’t my job. It creeps in over time. Sometimes we do not even know it is there until we are asked to go above and beyond what we thought it meant to be a good spouse.

All of us get that twinge or feeling of “this isn’t what I planned for the day” at times. How we respond to it makes all the difference. I am a servant of the Most High God. I do not get to decide my day. When I remind myself of this, I can usually perk up and maintain a good attitude.

Watch resentment carefully because it grows slowly from resentment of the call to be a servant to resentment of the task of serving to resentment of one’s spouse. Once you move into resentment of your spouse and the work it takes to maintain and serve a spouse, you are getting your heart into a place that can be problematic.

This process is similar to that of owning a puppy. Puppies are incredibly cute and cuddly, and their messes are small at the beginning (the honeymoon stage). Then the dog’s messes start getting bigger, more expensive, or personal (on favorite shoes and so on). Then the dog requires baths, grooming, medical appointments, vaccines, and needs to be watched for vacation (increasing maintenance). You can accept that having a dog requires a lot of work, or you can resent the work the dog requires. If you choose to resent the work, you can begin to resent the dog.

The same is true of our spouses. At first, they are cute, but then they are a little work, and then they are more work and more personally expensive. You can accept the work and love the person of your spouse. However, you can also resent the work and then resent your spouse because when you see him or her, all you see is the work they are for you (resentment) rather than the glorious creature God made them to be that you have the privilege to know and serve. The choice is ours, of course.

Our attitude is 100 percent our responsibility. I can never blame or scapegoat Lisa for my attitude. If I see her as a gift and maintain her and the household as a “get to” rather than a “have to,” I can daily escape the trap of the enemy to behold my wife in some unkind manner.

This is a very important heart check for all of us who are married. If our hearts move to a place where our spouse is now a symbol of work, we have moved into a dangerous position. Once a person becomes a symbol of work, you will respond, react, and behave totally differently toward them. Your spouse in a servant marriage needs to stay a person.

Yes, marriage is work. Yes, having children and raising a family is work. As a Western Christian, this is the glorious work for which I volunteered. I was not forced by anyone to marry Lisa. I choose this work.

Just like those who choose the military or some other vocation, we choose the opportunity, and all opportunities are work. I need to keep the person of Lisa and her value at the forefront of my mind. Focusing on the facts that she was “died for” and is the royal daughter of God inoculates me from the enemy’s plan to sow seeds of resentment into the sands of our marriage.