This is the attitude I see a lot from both men and women, but more men than women. Often they go to churches where the men are told it is biblical to dominate and bully their wives into “submission.” (Interestingly enough, I have never spoken to men or women who teach this who are actually submitted to real spiritual authority themselves.)

The resistant attitude is often held by those who, deep in their heart, still long to be served. Such people want excellent service from their spouse, but are internally resistant to serve their spouse. They will do what they feel comfortable doing or what gives them a gold star publicly, but express an attitude of resistance when the spouse asks for something outside their pre-determined mindset—say of how they might contribute to the household or their spouse as a person.

Those with a resistant attitude are still honestly struggling with embracing the death part of marriage. They really do not get that if two are to become one, the two have to die in many ways to make this new creature (a triune marriage). Their understanding of the two shall become one flesh idea is that the other person will become like them and then they will both be wonderful. This pride can be toxic for a marriage for sure.

Resistance is normal when you are walking into a knife. Your rights are being cut. Your entitlement, your role as a secular leader, and in some cases even wrong theology, must be sacrificed for you to become a servant husband or wife.

This resistance is not gender specific. I have seen women express their hate for their calling to serve their husband through anger, silence, physical issues, withholding sex, withholding praise. They have to die in many ways to serve the husband they have not served in decades. When our flesh is in a place of dying, it is not always quiet, nor is it without some stench.

Resistance lets us know—at least—that hopefully we are moving toward becoming a servant to our spouse. We might not internally like this idea, but deep down inside us, we know it is God’s will and desire for us to not only be servants to our spouses, but to be excellent servants to our spouses.