This will be really hard to swallow for the intimacy anorexic because of the anorexic’s desire to “be in the good box.” However, when it comes to the spouse of the intimacy anorexic, the reality is that the spouse has little or no value to them.

Immediately, the intimacy anorexic wants to rise up and say, “That’s not true; I love my spouse.” To that I respond: “I believe you have feelings for your spouse and at times feel love, but let’s talk about your pet for a moment. If you treated your pet for years by withholding food except enough to barely survive, blamed it for the problems in your life, yelled at it, criticized it, didn’t celebrate it, only touched it if it cried loud enough to wake the neighbors, that’s not really what I would call love.”

“I guess not,” is a usual response. The intimacy anorexic does have a love for the spouse, but is mostly expressed in an emotionally limited way, as any addict might. This would be like having a rich parent who is money anorexic and every birthday you get a dollar in your birthday card. They care, but they’re not going to spend beyond what is safe for them.