One thing many individuals struggling with intimacy anorexia frequently talk about is their need for safety. However, they may develop an unrealistic expectation that emotional safety means never being hurt, challenged, questioned, or made uncomfortable in the relationship. They do not simply want to feel safe most of the time; they want to feel safe all of the time, regardless of the circumstances. When that expectation is threatened, even by a perceived offense or a situation they interpret as unsafe, it can trigger a pattern of intimacy anorexic withholding behaviors.

The challenge is that their perception of being unsafe may not always reflect the reality of the situation. A simple question, an expression of emotional needs, or an attempt by their spouse to address a concern may be interpreted as criticism, rejection, or a threat. Rather than working through those uncomfortable feelings and engaging in healthy communication, the intimacy anorexic may respond by withdrawing, shutting down, creating conflict, or intentionally pushing their spouse away.

When perceived emotional unsafety becomes the trigger for withholding, some of the most painful and destructive behaviors may emerge. This is often when the really "big guns" come out—the withholding behaviors that inflict the greatest emotional pain on the spouse. These reactions may be more intense, more deliberate, and more damaging than the behaviors seen during everyday disconnection.

If safety is the underlying issue, the spouse may not simply experience an emotional bullet but an emotional grenade. The resulting rejection, criticism, anger, or withdrawal can create significant emotional damage, leaving the spouse confused, wounded, and hesitant to pursue intimacy again.

Ironically, in attempting to protect themselves from feeling emotionally unsafe, individuals struggling with intimacy anorexia may create the very environment of emotional insecurity and disconnection that prevents genuine intimacy from developing.