Intimacy anorexia is defined as the active withholding of emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy from a spouse. This pattern of withholding can become especially noticeable during moments when genuine closeness and connection seem possible.

For example, things may be going well in the relationship, and the intimacy anorexic may begin to sense that an emotional, spiritual, or sexual encounter is approaching. Perhaps the children are spending the evening with grandma, creating an opportunity for uninterrupted time together, meaningful conversation, or anticipated sexual intimacy. Rather than embracing that opportunity for connection, the intimacy anorexic may respond by engaging in one or more withholding behaviors designed to create distance.

These behaviors may include withdrawing emotionally, creating conflict, becoming critical, shutting down communication, or finding ways to avoid physical affection and sexual intimacy. The withholding can be intentional and, at times, used to cause emotional pain or rejection. Over time, this repeated pattern can condition the spouse to stop initiating affection, expressing emotional needs, or even asking for closeness out of fear of being rejected or hurt again.

Ultimately, this cycle of withholding creates an environment where intimacy becomes increasingly difficult to pursue, leaving the spouse feeling unwanted, disconnected, and emotionally alone in the relationship.