One universal, dynamic malady affects many of us, regardless of where we live on this vast planet we call Earth. Though this malady inflicts untold damage upon our lives and the lives of those we love, it often goes undetected.

I am not talking about global warming, war, or political corruption.  No, I am talking about something more personal: an epidemic lack of emotional fitness.  To put it another way: emotional cluelessness.

A man sitting in my office, headed toward divorce but seeking a miracle to save his marriage, admitted with wisdom and humility, “I wouldn’t know a feeling if it hit me in the face.” His sentiment expresses a universal problem, a problem I have encountered in the men, women, and teens I have counseled over the last thirty years.

However, I encounter the lack of emotional intelligence not only in my practice, but also in my own life. Like the man just mentioned, at one time, I couldn’t recognize my feelings. I came from a family like many of you grew up in; we never talked about feelings except in an extreme or dysfunctional manner. Like many others, this emotional cluelessness left me unequipped and unprepared for life. As a result, as a teen and young adult, I walked straight into multiple addictions and dysfunctional relationships.

Though I had a spiritual awakening at nineteen, I still remained emotionally unfit through college and even into adulthood. As a future counselor, I knew I would need to understand my emotions, because only then could I counsel others toward understanding their own. Motivated, I looked into option after option in an effort to learn about my feelings, only to come to the conclusion that no class, teacher, or book could teach me what I wanted and needed to learn. I was totally dysfunctional and totally unable to identify or communicate my feelings. I was, quite literally, emotionally out of shape and in need of a trainer, but no trainer could I find.

Then and there, I decided I would need to serve as my own trainer, my own teacher. I created tools to help me start to manage my emotions. Over time, I found success, moving from a novice to an emotional black belt. I started to understand my feelings, and in turn, myself. The best part was, my newfound abilities (which I share in the book, Emotional Fitness), impacted every aspect of my life, from my marriage to my business to my relationship with my God.

Given their impact on my life, I realized the tools I had created for my personal use could impact others. They were transferable and could be used to teach others how to move into an emotionally fit lifestyle!

I am not going to tell you such a move does not take work.  It takes a lot of work—hard work—but by doing the work, you can change from emotionally unfit to emotionally fit, and it will benefit all aspects of your life. Now, are you ready to get fit?

 

Being emotionally fit is a skill to be acquired but it can only be acquired after the reality of feelings and emotional fitness is presented. Typicaly, when someone wants to talk about their feelings, we might be intrigued but easily become confused.

 

Think about your own life for a moment. Let’s start early: junior high. Think about the emotions you had at that time and your experience of others articulating emotions to you. Most remember expressions of anger but not much else beyond that. In many cases, the same is true for your high school and college experiences: almost no expression of any emotion except anger or a scant few other feelings. Therefore, most of us grew up emotionally impoverished.

Learning skills is the first key in understanding emotional fitness. However, skills alone do not produce world-class champions.

This is where the rubber meets the road. Those who hope to accomplish their goals are different from those who actually do accomplish their goals. Those who accomplish their goals actually do the work to achieve their success.

Work is the single divider between those who master a new skill and those who don’t. As an example, let me present to you my son, Jubal. When Jubal was five years old, he was introduced to the world of martial arts. During practices, he was given the skills necessary for a black belt in the making. At each belt testing, Jubal was given a choice: continue to work toward the black belt or give up.

Along the way he was challenged to quit numerous times, but he never did as the desire to obtain the black belt overshadowed any other desire. In the end, he passed his test and earned his black belt. On that day, his smile simply lit up a room. His hard work led him to a worthwhile goal. Likewise, emotional fitness, also a worthwhile goal, takes work.

Once people understand this process is going to require hard work, they are more ready to start the important journey to become emotionally fit.