Intimacy Anorexia a popular term coined by Douglas Weiss Ph.D. it is the active withholding of emotional, spiritual, and/or sexual intimacy from the spouse. If you’ve been married to an Intimacy Anorexic for any length of time, you have most likely experienced many painful feelings. You may regularly feel unloved, disconnected from, misunderstood, and even blamed or criticized. Although you are married, you feel alone much of the time - married and alone. These feelings are absolutely legitimate, and your experience is universal: across all ages, religions, economic levels and cultures, those wed to Intimacy Anorexics have had similar experiences.
Intimacy Anorexia is no respecter of gender. It afflicts women just as it afflicts men, and it may have affected you. If you are a spouse who has been trying, for years or decades, even, to be loved, begging to be loved, you are not alone. The world is full of many others in lonely, painful marriages like yours.
Since the book Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. The great news is that Intimacy Anorexia is gaining recognition and is being acknowledged by the culture at large and progressive clinicians. Though the phenomenon of Intimacy Anorexia is becoming familiar in the public, the spouses’ stories have yet to be told. Their story must be told, for they, too, must be given a voice so that they can be understood by family, friends and counselors.
My hope is that if you are living married and alone, that you realize that you are worth being loved, whether your spouse has decided to pursue recovery or has chosen his or her anorexia over you.
Say these words aloud: “It’s not my fault.” Take these words in. Really take them in. Then, take the deepest sigh of relief you’ve ever taken, and let this truth wash over you: You are not, in any way, responsible for your spouse’s intimacy anorexic behavior.
For as long as you can remember, you may have been desperately trying to please your anorexic spouse, to no avail. You have likely bent yourself this way and that, trying to do the impossible: evoke love from someone who does not choose to give love. You may have dieted, read self-help books, or hemmed and hawed, not knowing what to do. Despite your best efforts, you have most likely gotten nowhere.
It is time to stop your efforts and realize that you are amazing just as you are. Your spouse’s choice to withhold love is not a reflection of your worthiness; it is actually not about you at all. It’s not about your height, your weight, your income, your housekeeping skills, or anything else about you. If it was your fault, then your efforts would have led you to be loved for more than just a couple of short weeks after a herculean effort or huge argument.
I understand the pain you have experienced as a spouse of an Intimacy Anorexic. Whether man or a woman, you have been blamed, ignored and untouched by, as well as disconnected from your spouse for years or even decades. I understand that previous attempts at counseling have failed and at times you may have felt hopeless, possibly even as though you’ve gone insane.
This article may be your introduction to Intimacy Anorexia; it may be the first explanation you’ve received for your spouse’s destructive behavior.
Most Intimacy Anorexics demonstrate these characteristics to varying degrees.
- Busy: Staying so busy that you have no relational time for their spouse. Making it all about their spouse instead of owning their issues.
- Withholding love from their spouse
- Withholding praise or appreciation from their spouse.
- Withholding sex from their spouse
- Withholding spiritually from their spouse.
- Unwilling or unable to discuss feelings with their spouse.
- Ongoing or ungrounded criticism causing isolation.
- Controlling by anger or silence.
- Controlling or shaming the spouse about money issues
- Now that you have a clear definition of Intimacy Anorexia, its characteristics, and its causes, you can see the evidence that you DID NOT cause your spouse’s Intimacy Anorexia.
You deserve to be loved and connected with! There is hope and healing for your marriage, visit drdougweiss.com for more information on Intimacy Anorexia.