Gook is sins, mistakes, willfully and unknowingly hurting each other, that all of us have. Since not one of us is sinless, everyone is going to have to deal with the issue of sin, mistakes, otherwise known as gook. There is another way to live. I call it the forgiveness lifestyle. It will cost you some time and effort but down the road you can save 100s of hours in pain or conflict. This forgiveness lifestyle helps you fully live.
You will have to work a little hard but I encourage you to do this so you can have a forgiveness lifestyle.
1. You First
“You first” is the best first step in the forgiveness lifestyle. I have seen people have great difficulties forgiving others if they have not first forgiven themselves. So as I said, “you first.”
Take a few minutes and make a list of how you have sinned against yourself. We all have sinned and we all have sinned against ourselves. This sin toward ourselves can limit us in a forgiveness lifestyle. If you can’t forgive a sin in your life often you can’t forgive others of the same sin.
Unfortunately you can’t just make a list. You do need to somehow verbally ask for forgiveness and out loud verbally say I forgive you or don’t forgive you. Knowing where you are with forgiving yourself can help you in the forgiveness lifestyle.
2. Your Past
Most of us have had people that have hurt us deeply. For some it’s our parents, friends, past romantic relationships, significant traumas or even past marriages. Those who have experienced trauma, I recommend you email my office at heart2heart@xc.org. I have an exercise called Cleansing the Temple that can really help facilitate healing if you feel that some of those hurts would actually fall under the category of trauma.
Make a list of the people that have sinned against you, make a note of the specific sin that this person committed against you.
Example: Person’s Name: Sinned against me by….
Your list may be only a few people or it may be several people. As a counselor I know we all have very unique journeys and have our own individual list of who hurt us and what the hurt was.
As you did with yourself, speak this out loud and forgive out loud as you do this alone. If you run into something you can’t forgive, be honest and plan to work on this for yourself in the future.
Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. This gift allows you to disconnect from the perpetrator and the pain. Again if your pain was trauma, do the Cleansing the Temple exercise prior to doing the forgiveness exercise.
3. Your Spouse
It’s true, you married a sinner. Some of their sins will be small and some will be, let’s just say, bigger than little sins.
So as with yourself and others you need to make a list of these sins; be they behaviors, lack of behaviors or attitudes. Under NO circumstances are you to show this list to your spouse.
This forgiveness is for you regardless of your spouse’s awareness. Just as you have unknowingly sinned against your spouse and also forgot some of these sins so has your spouse forgotten some of their sins against you. You have your list and just as before you read one out loud at a time, remember to forgive out loud as well.
You may not be able to forgive all of the sins you listed. Some of the items may even fall into the trauma category. If so, do the Cleansing the Temple exercise (Found in the book ‘Intimacy: A 100 Day Guide to Lasting Relationships) so you can more fully heal before you attempt the forgiveness exercise.
If there are things on your list you are not presently able to forgive, be honest. These issues that you can’t forgive yet are the issues you need to work on with yourself and the Lord or a pastor or counselor.
Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. As you have a forgiveness lifestyle going forward you will find forgiveness happening for you much quicker even if your spouse doesn’t ask for the forgiveness.