Counseling Christian leaders that have fallen to infidelity, pornography, prostitution, or other sexual inappropriateness has been a regular occurrence in my office for the last thirty years. When you do something or anything for almost thirty years, you learn quite bit about that subject. I want to share with you what I have learned about those who fall and get back into a growing ministry. I also want to share with you want I learned about those who fall and don’t go back to ministry or have such a small ministry if they do go back in their own strength.
Falling Forward
Falling happens in ministry. Everyone reading this article can not only conjure up names of the famous Christian leaders and pastors that have fallen in the last two decades. My bet is you can also conjure up names of people you know personally that were in ministry that have fallen. I was on a plane one day after the national news that my pastor had fallen to sexual sin. As I was thinking through by name all the pastors I have had over the thirty years of being a Christian, fifty percent of my pastors or their wives have fallen to sexual sin. So these experiences are not just clinical for me, like you, these are friends and people you care deeply about.
In the best case scenarios I have worked with, I must first start with the church or para-church ministries. The ministry or church that actually plans ahead by clearly outline in their by laws or employee handbook the procedures that will occur to anyone whose moral compromises themselves is way ahead of the game.
I can’t tell you how many times ministries and churches have their head sin the sand honestly believing it would not happen to them. Christian leaders and employees fall morally all the time so planning for this reality is the healthiest proactive step your church or ministry can do.
Secondly the church in ministry that outlines a clear set of expectations for returning to ministry is also ahead of the game when it comes to a moral falling of a leader or employee. Those that have come to my office with the written expectations had a real clear picture of what was expected of them to be able to return to ministry.
The person in the process is the other large variable as to whether restoration can happen. You can have perfect process with a rebellious heart and that person can be difficult or impossible to restore. Also you can have imperfect processes and a good repentant heart and restoration can fully happen.
The person I see regularly restored is the man or woman who disclosed their sin; be it pornography, sex with others, or impropriates of some kind to their authority and their spouse. This person isn’t responding to a real or imagined external threat or facts that are being imposed on them. Rather this person is responding to the conviction of the Holy Spirit in a desire to repent and change their life, regardless of the cost. This variable of honesty and reckless desire to change is respectable and often paves a softer way to restoration.
A second quality of the person I see fully restored has a humble heart. They are not talking about their great gifts, their influence, or how important they are. They are broken from their mistakes. They are broken and realize some of the pain they have caused others who have trusted them and ache for what they have done.
A third quality I see of the restored is taking full responsibility. They are not blaming the spouse or marriage, how stressed they have been or even the other person they were immoral with. This person stands up to the plate and says, “I did it, I’m 100% responsible.” The person who fully owns their sin is mostly to heal from this past and have a future in ministry.
On this same note, this person accepts consequences for their behavior. They know there will be several layers of consequence and accepts these consequences as an adult. An adult says, “That’s my mistake, my responsibility and my consequences” and moves through the process with no attitude to escape these consequences.
A fourth quality of those that can be restored is they can take direction. Be it a board, a bishop, or human resources they can take direction. A plan of restoration is laid out and they simply follow the direction given to them by their authorities in a submitted manner.
Embracing accountability is the next feature I see of the heart that can be restored to ministry. This person knows that being accountable to someone or a group of people is part of the process. I had a worship leader in my office in which after discloser to the pastor he was given the option of accountability to a team of four men. He willingly agreed to this and text all four men daily and calls one of the four men every day. He was happy to do this accountability and will most likely be restored to ministry in the future.
Working on the marriage is also something I see people voluntarily do who are restored. The marriage is not responsible for the poor choices of the fallen person. The damage infidelity or inappropriateness can do to the marriage and the trust fabric in this marriage can be huge. The spouse and the perpetrators need healing and so does the marriage.
Continuing on this thought, those who fall forward also seek out competent, professional counselors. This helps them discover why they did what they did. This can identify a sexual addiction, depression, psychological disorder, sexual abuse or other issues. This can help make sense of an irrational choice; however they are still responsible for the choice.
Lastly, I have worked with organizations and individuals who request to do ongoing polygraphs to verify the stopping of pornography, sex outside the marriage, or whatever the behavior was. To find a good polygrapher, call a few criminal attorneys and see who they recommend. This strategy has several helpful aspects. First, it ends the secret world of the staff member who acted inappropriately. Second, it can rebuild trust in the marriage. It can also help the authority to trust but verify before laying their hands on to return them to ministry. Lastly, it can show the church did due diligence in this season in case this person reoffends in the future.
Falling Apart
Unfortunately not all who fall fall forward. In more than twenty years, I have been called, not only to counsel the fallen but to be a consultant to churches and ministries to restore fallen leaders. There are characteristics of those who, what I call fall apart, not fall forward.
Again, I will start with the church or organization. This organization has not proactively written anything into their bylaws or guidelines about what is to occur when a leader falls in their organization. This leaves everyone scrambling and if it it’s the leader or senior pastor, it leaves the underlings trying to make decisions which cannot be optimal and manipulation and cohesion can be utilized by their leader to call the shots on their restoration (bad idea).
A leader that is caught is often on a harder road to restoration. External motivation to be honest can be short lived. The leader or employee can try to manipulate facts as opposed to repent of their sin. I have seen some leaders truly repent after exposure but it is a harder road for them than for the person who discloses and repents to start. I have been in countless meetings where the unbrokeness, denial and lies of a leader could take hours or longer before they actually repent or own their mistakes.
Arrogance is part of most of the people who are not restored to ministry by others. Their specialness, giftedness, sacrifice are circular conversations. They demand to decide their own restoration process. They are offended at anyone suggesting a path of submission.
As far as taking responsibility, those who are not restored rarely own their mistakes fully. They will still blame their souse, the marriage, the other person, their stress, depression or almost anything. A quality here I look for is if they still see themselves as a victim. If they are a victim rarely can they be restored.
They are the perpetrators of their life, their spouse, the people in the ministry, the other person, and their family. They caused all this pain unless they can see themselves as a perpetrator they are not in reality and God only lives in reality.
This victimness goes into any consequences they or their family suffers as well. They are a victim of the brand, the overseers, human resources, or their superiors. What is being asked of them is always unreasonable. Being the victim keeps this person stuck and leaves them vulnerable to bitterness and hate.
The person who falls apart even if they start a new ministry or church rarely has real accountability. They reject the notion that they should be fully submitted for a season. I know a leader who has fully submitted as long as they were getting paid by the organization, when the money stopped, so did the submission because the submission wasn’t from the heart.
This person will often minimize the need for help. They repented it’s under the blood and let’s move on, I am a new creature. This is often from someone who doesn’t heal and actually reoffends again in the future. I had a man in my office; this was his third time getting fired from a church for infidelity with church members. He was a sex addict and masturbated constantly to porn which always led back to affairs.
You can imagine this person wont’ do polygraphs ongoing either, so if they start something new, there is an unhealed, unaccountable person at the seed of this new work. If they can’t be restored, often they blame others and do not mature past their mistakes.
I hope this has been helpful because most likely as a Christian leader you will be a part of restoring someone who falls. Make sure your organization is proactive by crating guidelines for when this happens to your organization I believe in restoration. I have seen countless pastors and ministry leaders fully restored and prospering in their calling. If I or my team can serve you, let us know. We love seeing God restore leaders all over the world.