To acquire the skills necessary for emotional intimacy we must shift the way we think about emotions. We must learn to honor them. By honoring emotions, you assert that they are a real, valuable, precious part of the person you love. These feelings are an essential part of your spouse’s being.
As human beings we can think and behave differently than we feel, but we can’t feel differently than we feel. Here is an illustration to help you understand this better. Think of a person at work whose behavior irritates you deep down inside. When you’re with him, you act and behave appropriately so that no one knows how you really feel. If that person were to come into your office and ask you to tell him honestly how you “feel” about him, you would be honest and share the truth. At that point he would know about you and your feelings toward him.
I say this to illustrate that our emotions are who we are. If I feel tired, then I am tired. That is who I am at that microsecond of time. Now here is the tricky part. Feelings may be real, and a real part of who I am, but they are not necessarily truth, and they change constantly.
Learning to honor your spouse’s feelings places you in a precarious balance. When you hear your spouse’s feelings, you must honor them immediately. They are precious offerings to you at the time of sharing. However, you must resist the temptation to change, alter or rationalize away what he or she may be feeling at the moment. Our spouses will not feel any one particular feeling forever. Feelings change, and being honored and heard are very important.
Men in particular have more difficulty just sharing feelings instead of trying to solve problems. But as you grow in the skill of sharing, hearing and honoring the feelings of your spouse, the quality of emotional intimacy soars. When I feel safe and honored as I share my feelings, I am more likely to keep sharing them with others as well.
When you decide to honor your spouse emotionally on a regular basis, you will begin to see your spouse as the best person on earth to be with. I know that I can share any feelings with Lisa and still feel accepted by her. When she honors my emotions, it makes me feel special, important and loved by my wife. Your spouse and his or her emotions are ever changing.
Honoring your spouse’s emotions without feeling the need to fix them or fix the situation will produce enormous positive fruit in your relationship. So make a decision to travel through the next one hundred days together honoring your spouse’s emotions and cherishing the person he or she is on the inside.