Connecting is fundamental to having and maintaining emotional intimacy. Many of us grew up unskilled emotionally. As a teenager in my home, I can remember that we seemed to express only three emotions. The first emotion we communicated was anger. The second emotion we were allowed to display was “really angry.” This was when doors were slammed or something was thrown. The last permitted emotion was what I call “other.” Other meant, “Leave me alone!” “I’m going for a walk, a drive or a drink.” This emotion found some other way to avoid or not process what we felt.
I grew up truly emotionally illiterate. I felt as if I had all these feelings locked up inside of me, but I only had these three exit doors: door number 1—anger, door number 2—really angry and door number 3—other. I went all the way through Bible college and partially through seminary before I really understood that I didn’t have a clue as to what I was feeling inside.
I admit that at times I thought it rather odd that I was in this great counseling program but still wasn’t being taught how to know and express my own feelings. Many of us have grown up without the ability or skill to identify our feelings. It is critical that you understand how to express your feelings. Your feelings are like a large engine-powered ocean liner. This engine provides the ship’s energy. It pushes it in whatever direction the rudder directs. The rudder is our rational mind. Our emotions have great energy and pressure our minds. If not properly understood, emotions can drive us in such a way that they cause us to crash and be destroyed.