I know you’d be happier if the next fight in your marriage only lasted for ten minutes and then it was over. What I want to share with you here is a principle of resolving conflict in only ten short minutes. More information on this idea and many other ways you can improve your marriage in just ten minutes a day can be found in my new book, The Ten-Minute Marriage Principle.
So when not if, you are going to have conflict, you will want to have it be as beneficial as possible. I know the dramatics of yelling and making up is really fun but even better than this is actually making a decision on an issue of contention in a short period of time and using your quality time in some other way.
When you are about to argue or have a conflict, first decide on what the one issue is that you are arguing about. For example, “Who should clean the bathrooms?” After you figure out the issue, then get paper and pen in hand. Individually list on each of your papers how you feel about the issue you’re addressing. He might feel entitled, disrespected, and unimportant. She might feel put upon, alone, or overwhelmed. If you can identify and separate the feelings from the issue you have already made progress. At this time we aren’t going to share our feelings with the other spouse.
Next, each of you makes a list of possible options for the issue raised. These could be; he cleans it always, she cleans it always, you rotate or split the job of cleaning the bathrooms or you hire a cleaning person.
Now you are ready to have fun. Take your paper and both verbally share your feelings without giving any feedback to another. Also, both share your options, again without feedback to another. Then combine your list. Once you combine your list, go ahead and vote. Vote 1-10 on each item. The number 1 is “I really don’t like that idea” and the number 10 is “I really like that idea.” Once you both vote then tally your combined score.
The drum roll please, and whala, there is the decision! The highest number wins. You both agreed and then followed through with the decision. Lastly, you might want to record your decision in a notebook that you can refer to in case one of you forgets what was agreed upon. Recording this information can also help you in the future not to re-argue about the same issue over and over again.
So take this principle and practice some of your previous arguments through this manner. You might find that you can move forward from arguments into decisions more quickly.
When you get really good at arguing well and making decisions, you can have more time to enjoy each other. This ten-minute argument can help you respect and utilize your spouse’s strengths. Instead of fighting with each other, you can work together and that always feels much better when you are a team.