Every man I have ever met has had one of those days when several things didn’t go the way he expected. I know you have had them, too. You didn’t get the job, were passed over for the promotion, got stuck in traffic, got yelled at by your wife, or were ignored by your dog. Bad days happen to all of us.
When you have a day like this, you need to have a friend and a plan. You need to talk about it. You need to get out in the open with someone about how unfair your situation is. Then you need to have a plan to do some physical activity to give your body some positive chemicals. Being heard and getting some energy released won’t change your circumstances, but they can certainly change your mindset.
All men have feelings. As a man, I know there isn’t a place in our culture where we are taught to identify or communicate our feelings. We weren’t taught at home, at school, at work, or even at church.
As adolescent males, we pulsated with strong hormones and feelings, but we didn’t know how to identify or process our feelings. When that happened, it was easier for us to medicate or try to escape than feel those feelings. Lust, fantasy, pornography, or sexual encounters provided us a way to escape or medicate those feelings for a short period of time.
The problem we face is that many of us have yet to learn to identify these feelings. Here’s a feelings exercise to begin to help you identify your feelings. Follow the guidelines on the feelings list. Randomly pick a feeling and fill in the blanks of your present and past feelings. I recommend you write these down in a notebook to help you learn to identify your feelings.
It is possible to expedite your emotional development if you communicate these to your wife, girlfriend, or accountability partner. As you get better at identifying and communicating your feelings, you will no longer feel the need to escape or medicate these feelings with lust. You will be able to identify what you feel and not have the pressure to escape to lust.
In the workbook, 101 Freedom Exercises for Sexual Addiction Recovery, I wrote about the concept of E-Zones for men who struggle with sexual addiction. An E-Zone is an emotional zone—a strong feeling you have yet to master. Once you hit this feeling, you don’t really know what to do, so you regress into a previous pattern of lust.
As you practice the feelings list, you will find some of those feelings are very strong and difficult for you to handle. You will need specific plans for when you experience these particular feelings that I call E-Zones. Examples of common E-Zones you might need to work through include: angry, rejected, disrespected, unwanted sexually, alone, bored, exhausted, or excited.
Once you know what your E-Zones are, you will want to be very specific on a plan to manage these feelings without any form of lust. Let’s use the E-Zone example of bored. When I feel bored, I will first own that I feel bored and that it is my responsibility to be creative to change this. Second, I will go to my list of things that need to be done and do one. Third, I will call a friend. Fourth, I will ask for prayer. Finally, I will exercise.
Put this plan in your phone or in your car so you can readily access it. When you own your own feelings and have several action steps you can take, you will be able to stay on the path of lust-free living.
If you don’t have a plan, lust has a plan for you—especially on the roughest days. Lust will send you on a goose chase to find someone to look at or to have someone look at you. Lust will show you an opportunity to get you to view images or even act out in worse behaviors. Lust’s voice will feel familiar with the promise of feeling better afterward. Lust loves to talk to vulnerable men.
When you have bad days, have a plan to talk to someone and get a physical release through exercise. Talking to God and your wife (if you’re married) can be a great part of that plan. Being proactive can help you in the battle of lust. Being reactive can lead you back into lust and give you false comfort. So, plan ahead and stay lust-free.